Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Bad News!

Looks like I'll have to stop downloading songs from the Dixie Chicks and Madonna. I might get a [gasp!] instant message from the RIAA!

Put 'em all inside cages in Gitmo, I say. All of 'em.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

A New European Axis!

The French, Germans, Belgians, and Luxembourgites (Luxembourgians? Luxembourgers?) have agreed to set up a European Defense Union in an effort to move away from NATO. The only question is, who surrenders to who?

Monday, April 28, 2003

North Korea

Blackmail from Yellow Reds! Or is it Red Yellows? I'll have to ask Mineta...

Sunday, April 27, 2003

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Friday, April 25, 2003

Sniff...

But I thought you loved me, Tony...

Sigh. Men!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

IRAN

You've been warned. Prepare for invas...I mean, liberation!

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Sigh...

Looks like I'm gonna have to buy some duct tape for the Senate Leadership! [rim shot!]

You know, for their mouths. To keep them shut. So they don't say dumb stuff. Oh, forget it...

Monday, April 21, 2003

What do Nigeria and Florida have in common?

Exciting elections!

Sunday, April 20, 2003

It's 4/20!

And Easter Sunday, too. And I got to meet some POWs. What a day! I'm so stoked. I've already eaten my weight in Peeps.

Saturday, April 19, 2003

Gooks With Nukes

Used to be, the worst thing you had to worry about with Koreans was they'd steal your cat to make sandwiches. Now they threaten nuclear holocaust.

Can't they see I'm busy with Iraq and Syria and Cuba? And France? And Canada? And...oh, fuck. Everyone hates us. It's almost enough to drive a man to drink...

Friday, April 18, 2003

The EU

It's okay for them to become a superpower, as long as Tony is in charge. If Chirac wins, I'll get all pre-emptive on their asses.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Decisions, decisions...

There is a huge debate in my administration over whether to invade Syria next, or Cuba. Each side makes a persuasive case. The final call rests in my hands.

Aw, fuck it. Let's invade Canada.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Yee-Ha!

Looks like my posse caught themselves a varmint. Or whatever Maureen Dowd would have me say.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Monday, April 14, 2003

Syrian Weapons Of Mass Destruction!

We have intelligence that indicates Syria has chemical weapons. Of course, we had tons of intelligence that said Iraq has WMDs too, and that hasn't exactly panned out so far...

Maybe next I'll accuse the Easter Bunny of being insolent and invade Never-Never Land.
Awkward!

Looks like everyone's favorite morbidly obese communist will soon be heckling me at this year's White House Correspondents Dinner. How sickening will that be! Oh well; if I'm unable to finish my dinner, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone to clean my plate...

Saturday, April 12, 2003

I just noticed something...

I've sent hundreds of thousands of Americans overseas to protect the Homeland from terrorism and weapons of mass destruction, and my own Energy Secretary, the guy in charge of the nation's nook-you-lurr stockpile, looks like Mohammed Atta's obese uncle.

You woulda thought someone might have said something to me...
I am an interrlectual

And I've got proof.

Friday, April 11, 2003

Question

If "spelunking" means exploring caves, then does "spell-linking" mean blogging from one?
Quote of the Day

From Victor Davis Hanson:

"[T]he shameless Dominique de Villepin hogged the world’s news before the war, did nothing during it, and now he’s back again — when he sniffs the danger is past and money is to be made, it is once more time for slick talk and the waving of arms. That American and British women fought live enemies courageously while some Frenchmen attacked the graves of dead friends seems to have escaped him."

Hmm...

Who do we side with in this one? NATO Turkey or anti-Saddam Kurds?

Aw, heck. Let's just attack both.
Iraq invades France and Germany!

Sorta.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Uh-oh...

But I thought Trent Lott was a Senator...

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Who's Next?

You might be surprised...
I Won!

Next mission: Getting all these folks registered to vote in time for the next election.
The "White Lion"

It ain't Disneyland. Though probably less painful than a trip to Euro-Disney...
The "Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation"?

Maybe the BBC will hire Peter Arnett. I hear he's looking for work...
Chinese Food

I'll stick with Tex-Mex, but thanks anyway.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Not Again!

Well, it looks like we blew away an Al-Jazeera office. Again. That particular "smart" bomb must have had an extra chromosome. After all, as every rational person agrees, we would never deliberately target the Qatar-based television network.

We meant to hit the offices of Le Monde.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Ireland sucks!

Nothin' but a bunch of drunken, half-starved potato (potatoe?) farmers.

Hillsborough Castle is cool though. They've got all these serfs workin' there. At first I thought Tony called them "Smurfs", and I almost wet myself. But, no, they aren't little blue guys; they're more like slaves. So that's cool.
Oops...

So it wasn't sarin after all. It was Bug-Be-Gone.

Still. If I can't root out the global terrorist network, I'll just have to go after the global entomologist network.
Is it safe to flash the "V" sign yet?



So, have I been re-elected yet?

Sunday, April 06, 2003

How Democrats Mourn The Dead

Journalist Michael Kelly died while covering the War in Iraq. Some folks think that's just great. Not just the Iraqis, but apparently some of the "loyal opposition" as well.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

I finally found my Dick!

He was right here all along!

I gotta admit, my Veep tends to ramble, and he seems a bit in-co-hair-ant. Must have taken one too many "heart pills" this mornin'...
Can you hear us?

Because we're coming, Saddam.
What a great loss...

I guess now I'll have to cancel my subscription to SLATE magazine.

Oh wait, no I won't. It's free. And worth every penny!
Not a very good picture...

Of Jenna, or me!
Russian Humor

Well, at least they're trying...

Friday, April 04, 2003

Oh No!

He lives. (And he writes better than me!)