Oh, Boy!

A new war? I hope so!

Damn, I'm Good

Everyone agrees with me. It's about time.

Heh

Aussies love me. Sorta.

Rough Day

I've got my daughter Jenna snuffling around in Mick Jagger's underpants, my Secretary of State is sucking up to the National Socialists...er...I mean the Social Democrats in Germany, and the economy risks going into not merely recession, but deflation.

I haven't needed a beer this bad since Rove told me about this site.

Schadenfreude

Hahaha!

I cracked a rib...

...laughing while reading this. Sorry, but when you're the Prez, you root for the Lakers. Anything else would be pussy.

I hate the French

And you should too!

Uh-oh...

Let's hope I'm dead by 2051...

Me and ... Ms. Jones!

I think Norah's gonna vote for me.

I'm golden...

Even the New York Times is saying I'm looking pretty good going into 2004. Why bother holding an election at all? Things would be so much easier if I was dictator...

My close personal friend Wlodzimierz Cimoszewicz

Gawd, I love Poles. And these guys love poles.

Bad News!

Looks like I'll have to stop downloading songs from the Dixie Chicks and Madonna. I might get a [gasp!] instant message from the RIAA!

Put 'em all inside cages in Gitmo, I say. All of 'em.

A New European Axis!

The French, Germans, Belgians, and Luxembourgites (Luxembourgians? Luxembourgers?) have agreed to set up a European Defense Union in an effort to move away from NATO. The only question is, who surrenders to who?

North Korea

Blackmail from Yellow Reds! Or is it Red Yellows? I'll have to ask Mineta...

Uh...

Should I sue, or be flattered?

Hey...

This idea ain't so bad...

Sniff...

But I thought you loved me, Tony...

Sigh. Men!

IRAN

You've been warned. Prepare for invas...I mean, liberation!

Sigh...

Looks like I'm gonna have to buy some duct tape for the Senate Leadership! [rim shot!]

You know, for their mouths. To keep them shut. So they don't say dumb stuff. Oh, forget it...

What do Nigeria and Florida have in common?

Exciting elections!

It's 4/20!

And Easter Sunday, too. And I got to meet some POWs. What a day! I'm so stoked. I've already eaten my weight in Peeps.

Gooks With Nukes

Used to be, the worst thing you had to worry about with Koreans was they'd steal your cat to make sandwiches. Now they threaten nuclear holocaust.

Can't they see I'm busy with Iraq and Syria and Cuba? And France? And Canada? And...oh, fuck. Everyone hates us. It's almost enough to drive a man to drink...

The EU

It's okay for them to become a superpower, as long as Tony is in charge. If Chirac wins, I'll get all pre-emptive on their asses.

Decisions, decisions...

There is a huge debate in my administration over whether to invade Syria next, or Cuba. Each side makes a persuasive case. The final call rests in my hands.

Aw, fuck it. Let's invade Canada.

Yee-Ha!

Looks like my posse caught themselves a varmint. Or whatever Maureen Dowd would have me say.

Heh-heh-heh!

Read it and weep, pinkos!

Syrian Weapons Of Mass Destruction!

We have intelligence that indicates Syria has chemical weapons. Of course, we had tons of intelligence that said Iraq has WMDs too, and that hasn't exactly panned out so far...

Maybe next I'll accuse the Easter Bunny of being insolent and invade Never-Never Land.

Awkward!

Looks like everyone's favorite morbidly obese communist will soon be heckling me at this year's White House Correspondents Dinner. How sickening will that be! Oh well; if I'm unable to finish my dinner, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone to clean my plate...

I just noticed something...

I've sent hundreds of thousands of Americans overseas to protect the Homeland from terrorism and weapons of mass destruction, and my own Energy Secretary, the guy in charge of the nation's nook-you-lurr stockpile, looks like Mohammed Atta's obese uncle.

You woulda thought someone might have said something to me...

I am an interrlectual

And I've got proof.

Question

If "spelunking" means exploring caves, then does "spell-linking" mean blogging from one?

Quote of the Day

From Victor Davis Hanson:

"[T]he shameless Dominique de Villepin hogged the world’s news before the war, did nothing during it, and now he’s back again — when he sniffs the danger is past and money is to be made, it is once more time for slick talk and the waving of arms. That American and British women fought live enemies courageously while some Frenchmen attacked the graves of dead friends seems to have escaped him."

Hmm...

Who do we side with in this one? NATO Turkey or anti-Saddam Kurds?

Aw, heck. Let's just attack both.

Iraq invades France and Germany!

Sorta.

Uh-oh...

But I thought Trent Lott was a Senator...

Who's Next?

You might be surprised...

I Won!

Next mission: Getting all these folks registered to vote in time for the next election.

The "White Lion"

It ain't Disneyland. Though probably less painful than a trip to Euro-Disney...

The "Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation"?

Maybe the BBC will hire Peter Arnett. I hear he's looking for work...

Chinese Food

I'll stick with Tex-Mex, but thanks anyway.

Not Again!

Well, it looks like we blew away an Al-Jazeera office. Again. That particular "smart" bomb must have had an extra chromosome. After all, as every rational person agrees, we would never deliberately target the Qatar-based television network.

We meant to hit the offices of Le Monde.

Ireland sucks!

Nothin' but a bunch of drunken, half-starved potato (potatoe?) farmers.

Hillsborough Castle is cool though. They've got all these serfs workin' there. At first I thought Tony called them "Smurfs", and I almost wet myself. But, no, they aren't little blue guys; they're more like slaves. So that's cool.

Oops...

So it wasn't sarin after all. It was Bug-Be-Gone.

Still. If I can't root out the global terrorist network, I'll just have to go after the global entomologist network.

Is it safe to flash the "V" sign yet?

• Saddam, you messed with a Bush. Now we've messed up one of yours.



• Well, it looks like we found a little nerve agent. Will the French join in the coalition in time to hinder our advance?



• People of Iraq! Our mission to liberate you is nearly complete! Now, meet your new dictator...



• Random thought: How about that Canadian health-care system! Lookin' good!

So, have I been re-elected yet?

How Democrats Mourn The Dead

Journalist Michael Kelly died while covering the War in Iraq. Some folks think that's just great. Not just the Iraqis, but apparently some of the "loyal opposition" as well.

I finally found my Dick!

He was right here all along!

I gotta admit, my Veep tends to ramble, and he seems a bit in-co-hair-ant. Must have taken one too many "heart pills" this mornin'...

Can you hear us?

Because we're coming, Saddam.

What a great loss...

I guess now I'll have to cancel my subscription to SLATE magazine.

Oh wait, no I won't. It's free. And worth every penny!

Not a very good picture...

Of Jenna, or me!

Russian Humor

Well, at least they're trying...

Oh No!

He lives. (And he writes better than me!)

Geez...

I'm still having trouble with the black vote.

Fucking Canadians

Less than worthless.

How The Civilian May Help In This Crisis

• Be cheerful


• Write encouragingly to friends at the front


• Don't repeat foolish gossip


• Don't listen to idle rumors


• Don't think you know better than [Bush]

(Source: WWI British newspaper)

It's War

Bye-bye, Saddam. One way or the other.

Boycott France?

But not Iraqi oil...

The Dixie Cunts

More Hollywood than Dollywood.

Will I Be Impeached?

No. But John Conyers will be sure to garner the pro-terrorist vote.

Due to Legislative Redistricting, Mr. Conyers now represents a district that includes large portions of Dearborn, MI. And Dearborn, not coincidentally, has one of the largest Arab populations outside Cairo.

But the $64,000 question is: If a dirty bomb went off in metro Detroit, would anyone notice?

Sad...

Take a gander at the type of people we are currently begging for support from. Cameroon's literacy rate is under 65%. Angola's is under 45%. I mean, I haven't seen people this pig ignorant since Jenna showed me photos of the crowd at a "Rage Against The Machine" concert.

We Give Up!

No, you can't do that yet. Try again next week...

There Will Be No War

Dead Iraqi innocents I can deal with. Turmoil and instability in the Middle East is no problem. Surging anti-American feeling across the globe is fine and dandy.

But this is simply too much. Call off the invasion.

Dan Rather's Interview With Saddam

Typical Dan Rather. He gets down on his knees for an anti-American tyrant, and gets props from his cronies for it.

Sheesh. There ought to be limits to freedom...

Uh-Oh

Well. It looks like World War Number Three after all...

Happy President's Day!

It's just like Christmas, except baby Jesus didn't have nukes.

Old Adages

Jenna says that "one in the hand" is pointless, while "two in the bush" stings a little.

Thankfully, I've no clue what she's talking about. As usual.

Catholics

You gotta love the Pope. Any guy who hangs on to his job this long after senility sets in deserves my utmost respect. Same goes for Senator Byrd.

The Prince Of Wales

A peacenik? Whodathunkit?

The Common Herd

Merely Cogs in the Wheel of the State. But what pith!

My German Chum

Is going down in flames faster than a spa...I mean, is having some difficult times. Yeah.

Columbia Updates

Here.

Columbia

There are no survivors.

Sexy!

I am strangely attracted to this young lady...

Africans Love Me!

And hate filthy Frenchmen. Look at the headline, then the picture. I am moved.

More Helen Thomas

Now she says I'm "the worst President in all of American history."

What the fuck did I ever do to you, you withered, used-up old bitch?

Sniff...

Looking at this site makes me homesick for the ranch...

Geez...

This guy thinks I have a "junta", whatever that means. And he says a few other strange things about me, as well.

Sean Penn

He's almost as eloquent as me!

Helen Thomas

That miserable old crone! I'm tellin' Ari never to call on her again!

Blogcritics

This is a superific site! It's almost enough to give me respect for free speech.

The Dems

Now that Al Gore has gracefully bowed out of the 2004 Presidential Race, my real challenger can throw his hat in the ring. Or throw something somewhere...

You gotta love them Democrats!

Strom

Interesting facts on the undead senator from South Carolina.

JBS

They think I'm a borderline socialist. Pat Buchanan and Trent Lott voters.

Lots More On Lott

The Nation goes berzerk with moral outrage. Cyber-bigot Hal Turner oozes a large wad directly into his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The National Review calls for Lott's head. And this guy just doesn't give a shit one way or the other.

Trent Lott

I don't believe he hates Negroes. But, after his little speech at Strom's 100th birthday gathering, Condi did mention to me that she'd never before "felt that dry down there".

I just wet myself...

This is the funniest shit since Beavis and Butthead!

Different Strokes...

There are good communists and there are bad communists. But there are no good coprophiliacs.

Laura taught me that.

Michael Moore

This fat fucker is on my X-mas list too. I'll get him a crate of Slim Fast and a stationary bike. Hopefully Santa will chip in some intellectual honesty and human decency.

Christmas List

The following is a small portion of this year's White House Holiday Shopping List :

• Tom Duh-shill - CD single of Green Day's "I Wanna Be A Minority"



• Jenna - One case of Dom, two cases of rubbers



• Michael Jackson - One army surplus gas mask



• Jim Thune - A Cabinet position to be named later

Can anyone think of anything I've left out? Please let me know...

My Love Life

If Laura ever tires of my mindless mumbling and uncontrollable drooling, I'll be crushed. But it looks like I've already got myself a prospect.

Osama

My towel-headed arch-enemy appears to still be among the living. And he's threatening new attacks!

Oh well. At least he had the decency to pretend to be dead until after the elections...

Dagos

I guess the pasta-eating winos aren't big fans of my administration's foreign policy. Or at least a certain element over there has reacted negatively :

"The anti-globalists were joined by many other groups, including union activists, pacifists, Catholics, former communists, ecologists, and Fiat car workers. Many young people were present."

Catholics? Fiat car workers?? Am I missing something here? That sounds a little something like :

"Former Vice-President Al Gore enjoys strong support from unions, pacifists, former communists, eco-terrorists, pillow-biters, current communists, the homeless, the comatose, and Wal-mart cashiers. Many illegal aliens and dead people also show support."

Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against peaceful protests. I just don't like Italians. Or young people.

The Presidential Seal Of Approval

Goes to this site.

It's Official!

I've finally got a mandate! Now I jus' have to ask Karl what the fuck that means...

Finally

The campaigning is over. The people will take it from here. (And we'll take it back from them if they choose wrong in Florida again...)

Minnesota Democrats

This is utterly surreal.

What's next? They gonna go to the tack-see-derm-ist and bring Wellstone's charred corpse on tour?

Clinton

The guy's even happier than me over the death of the Senate's leading Stalinist.

I guess he ain't all bad. But his wife's still a miserable cunt.

Brazil

Do they have Blacks? I dunno. But they sure as hell got some Marxists.

Paul Wellstone

Deader than Lenin. Or Lennon, for that matter.

Looks like the Dems are gonna replace him on the ballot with former Veep Walter Mondale.

Figures. First that zombie Lautenberg gets new life breathed into him, now this. I'm telling ya, if the Democrats are successful in November, C-SPAN II is gonna look like an endless loop of Night of the Living Dead.

Iraq

No blood for oil! Unless it's Iraqi blood...

My Bro!

Debates.