Slimeball Politics

This race is getting uglier than John Kerry's wife, and dirtier than his daughter.

(And my campaign played no role whatsoever in the above sentence...)

Child Rape

I oppose it.

However, I don't believe my opponent has said much about it. Perhaps I've found a wedge-issue?

Sigh...

Instead of greeting national icons like Shaq and possible-mad-dog-rapist Kobe Bryant to the White House for a photo-op, I'm stuck with no-names like Ben Wallace and Richard Hamilton.

Oh, well. Maybe I can get an endorsement from that Prince guy. He looks sorta white...

Ronald Reagan

Look, I'm sorry the guy had to die. But, I mean, couldn't he have waited a few days? Now my D-Day 60th Anniversary Speech in France won't get the media attention it deserves...

Bikers For Bush!

I just picked up a key endorsement from the Rolling Thunder motorcycle club. It seems we share many of the same values: Violence, improper grammar, and meth.

In related campaign news, recent polls show me leading Kerry in capturing the crucial toothless vote. And skanks reportedly favor me over Kerry by a margin of three to one.

WMDs

We finally were able to plant, er, I mean, find some.

Take that, Hans Blix!

9/11 Jewelry

Here. Oh, and horse testicles!

Wanna bet this guy is a Kerry supporter?

Kerry's New Bumper Stickers

Here, here, and here.

Benedict Arnold Companies

We've finally found one. Thanks, Cap'n!

Osama Releases Another Tape...

I think he's losing it. Worst case of cave-fever I've ever seen.

Osama's Greatest Hits

He's got talent! Now if only he could be convinced to show up for an American Idol audition...

Prez's Press Pressure

This cartoon fairly accurately describes the kinds of hostile media a fella faces these days.

Have I stopped beating my wife? Yeah, the same day I quit drinkin'! Next question...

A Big Poll!

Looks like the Midwest is going to be as big a battleground as the Mideast this year. I'm just one point down in Michigan, according to a recent poll. Maybe I should wear a Red Wings shirt and a Pistons hat while campaigning in Detroit? As long as I don't mention the Tigers or Lions, I'll probably be okay.

This President

John F-ing Kerry has a habit of referring to me as "This President" and then following up with a baseless claim. Examples abound:

"This president has created an economy that feeds the special interests..." (says the Senate's number-one recipient of individual campaign contributions from lobbyists...)

"This president has in fact created terrorists where they didn't exist..." (Now I'm a fucking magician?)

"[T]his president has run the most arrogant, inept, reckless and ideological foreign policy in the modern history of our country..." (So, if I was less "inept" maybe North Korea and Syria would have been liberated as well as Iraq and Afghanistan?)

I am taking bets on future "This President" attacks against me by the Senator from Massachusetts. Here are a few possibilities:

"This President has been known to hate his mother, turn down apple pie, and only feign interest in the sport of baseball."

"This President is addicted to re-runs of the Smurfs, and does keg-stands during the commercials."

"This President gets sexually aroused whenever Arafat reaches for another baby-wipe."

"This President cut your taxes, defeated two evil regimes, and has not yet gotten blown by an intern. Uh, and he must be defeated in November!"

This President is about to dry heave.

Spending Your Money

I keep hearing people complain about how I'm spending like there's no tomorrow. Well, I've got news for you folks: With my foreign policy, there might not be a tomorrow!

QUEERS

Them folks don't act like normal folks. They like it in the rear. No way I'm gonna allow that to become the norm!

Now, can somebody please tell me why Jenna was dragged out of a black fraternity party with a severe case of rectal bleeding?

Where the %#$& is Rove???

My poll numbers are going down faster than Jenna after a bottle of tequila. Maybe I should announce my adminstration's opposition to the war in Iraq? Or maybe I should resign and run as a humble Southerner who opposes Cheney and the Washington insiders?

Damnit, I just don't know! And all Rove can think of is for me to embarrass myself on "Meet the Press" tomorrow.

Looks like I'll have to resort to running ads that make it look like Willie Horton is John Kerry's running mate...

WMD

Okay, so there weren't any. So what? The economy is improving, and Saddam is in a cell. Not a terror cell, but a prison cell.

By the way, John F. Kerry's mouth look like an anus on the NEWSWEEK cover. I just had to say that.

NH

I think Senator Lieberman is about to experience his own personal Holocaust. Heh.

Kerry

The man is wearing a wig. He has to be!

Iowa

Four losers tied for not-last. Whoever wins will eventually lose. (So Rove says...)

O'Neill

What an asshole. If this is how former Cabinet members will treat me, I can only shudder in expectation of Colin Powell's tell-all in 2005...

Mexicans

It was a difficult decision for Rove to make, but he decided we should let illegal Mexicans take American jobs. Well, they're already taking them, but now we wanna make it legal.

Sure, when they came to our country, their first act upon entering was to break federal law, but that's cool. I mean, I used to do an eight-ball a night, and that sure as shit ain't legal!

So, for the sake of my re-election, instead of punishing federal criminals, we'll give them American jobs, let them send the money back to Mexico (or as I say it, May-He-Coh), and further strain our social support system.

And if that doesn't get me re-elected, I'll just send someone back to the Moon! Let's hope he makes it in one piece...

Saddam

I don't know who's more screwed: Saddam or Dr. Dean. One faces the fate of death; the other, the fate of Mondale, circa 1984.

Competition

Looks like Bill Clinton has a blog too!

Jesus...

I'm facing more opposition in London than in Tikrit! And that's saying something...

IT

IT don't mean "information technology" anymore. IT means "international terror." And I oppose terror.

This ain't the Clinton years, where you could just get a good job in the high-tech sector and have a good life. Nope. Now you are called to duty to die for your country.

Like I was told to say:

“I pledge to you that America will never relent on this war against terror. (Applause.) There will be times of swift, dramatic action. There will be times of steady, quiet progress. Over time, with patience, and precision, the terrorists will be pursued. They will be isolated, surrounded, cornered, until there is no place to run, or hide, or rest.

“As military and civilian personnel in the Pentagon, you are an important part of the struggle we have entered. You know the risks of your calling, and you have willingly accepted them. You believe in our country, and our country believes in you.

“Within sight of this building is Arlington Cemetery, the final resting place of many thousands who died for our country over the generations. Enemies of America have now added to these graves, and they wish to add more. Unlike our enemies, we value every life, and we mourn every loss.

“Yet we're not afraid. Our cause is just, and worthy of sacrifice. Our nation is strong of heart, firm of purpose. Inspired by all the courage that has come before, we will meet our moment and we will prevail.”

Terror will not win. I oppose it. Like my daddy woulda said, it's bad. And if a few more hundred Americans have to die between now and my re-election, so be it.

It's all about Terror.

Australian Greens

Mindless drones. Dumber than 'roos. Howard ought to send their silly asses to Taz.

California

My chances of winning the Golden State in 2004 just increased greatly. Now all I have to do is continue pandering to Hispanics, and maybe throw in the invasion of Belarus for good measure!

NOW HIRING

We are currently accepting applications for two (2) young Muslim men who are fluent in Arabic to serve as Chaplains at Gitmo. Benefits include increased surveillance and eventual arrest and public humiliation. We are an Affirmative Action employer. Please send all resumes to the attention of Rummy.

Dang!

First, I had to fend off John McCain and his McCainiacs. Then it was Al Gore and his Gorons. Then it was international terrorists. Then the Taliban. Then Saddam and his sons. Now it's Hungarian billionaires!

What next? Frogs and locusts? C'mon Jesus Christ; lay off a guy for a bit.

My Speech

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm about to spend our country into fiscal default, but that's okay. As long as I win in 2004!

Warm Thoughts

Hopefully, another raving non-Christian madman will destroy the lives of hundreds of Americans sometime soon. Hopefully, this individual, or these individuals, will be kind enough to give me an opening to invade Syria from Iraq.

This would certainly change the subject in the mainstream media from one of foreign policy disaster to one of proactive attacks against Terror. This would also afford me the opportunity to use the Second Anniversary of 9-11 as a re-election tool.

There is always hope, in this great land of ours. God Bless America. And God Damn Howard Dean!

Tonight's Entertainment

Thanks to the freedom-smothering Patriot Act, I am now able to listen to any telephone conversation anywhere in the world. I could be listening to terrorist agents plan their next hideous attack. However, that kinda stuff gets old real quick. Instead, I'm eavesdropping on a conference call in California...

Arnold - I haf callt dis meeteenk to discuss de upcoming recawl election.

Bustamante - Uh, we know that Arnold. That's what you said in the e-mail...

Arnold - Shut up, you idiot! I'm giving some background!

Mary Carey - Background? Is that when you're on your back and laying on the ground?

McClintock - Silence, dirt-leg! Please let the "Kintergarden Cop" finish.

Arnold - Tank you. De voters of de Goldun State face un very difficult challenge in just a few short weeks. Dey have to choose dist a sinkle one of da scores of candidates on da ballot.

Mary Carey - Did someone say "Scores"?

Ueberroth - Would you just let the man finish, you fucking pig-whore? Jesus Christ...

Arnold - Anyvay, ve need to narrow down da field a bit. De avergae California voter is too stupid to figure out any ballot dis complex...

Bustamante - The ballot is really quite simple, Arnold. NO to the recall! YES to Bustamante!!

Ueberroth - That's has got to be the stupidest fucking political slogan I've ever heard. And I was around for "Log Cabins and Hard Cider"!

Mary Carey - Hey guys: Is it a bad thing when your labia dangle between your knees?

Larry Flynt - Garble murmur gurble slobber garble blither...

Mary Carey - No silly! It does not come with a little wheelchair ramp!

Arnold - Shut up! Ve need to fix dis problem. Ve need a solution. Like my fazzer always said, a final solution is always best...

Bustamante - Okay, how about this: NO to the recall! Yes to pintos y cheese!!

McClintock - Holy balls. You're the poster-boy for Prop 187, Bustamante.

Arnold - Aaargh!! I feel like breaking something. Where da hell did der Simon go?

Bustamante - Okay, okay: NO to delivery! YES to DiGiorno!!

Arnold - Dat's it. I'm now for concealed hantguns...

I Failed Kem-Iss-Tree at Yale

But it sure as shit looks like I got me another gosh-darn terrist!

I may not know the atomic mass of helium, but I know that catching evil-doers is worth 3 to 5 points in the next Gallup Poll!

Message to Howard Dean: How many bad-guys have you caught? All you do it slather maple syrup all over your gonads and let the communist-wing of the Democrat party lick it off.

Pervert.

Insufferous!

Where are Mr. Bill O'Reilly's attorneys when you need them?

This rogue is impersonating me! He even dares to call his low-rent, 99-cent Value Menu-style website "Bush Blog"!

The nerve of those who dare oppose me never ceases to amaze me. (Though admittedly, the same can be said of aluminum foil. I mean, it's just so fucking light.)

There really ought to be limits to freedom...

I Love August

It's vay-cay-shun time again! I love this time of year. It's the only opportunity I get to binge drink.

People wonder why I wasn't all over the airwaves during the power crisis last week. Well ironically, during the blackout, I was blacked-out! So, I let a Republican mayor of NYC do all the heavy lifting. (Sound familiar?)

Looks like Dean's gonna get the Democrat nam-inn-nay-shun for President. Sounds good to me. Just gotta get Rove to "doctor" up some photos of Dr. Dean performing a third-trimester partial-birth abortion on a 13-year old Hispanic girl, and I'll be set.

Pair of Aces

Well, looks like we finally killed someone important over in Irack. Two someones, actually. Odie and Quizzy, the Sons of Sodom.

Now all that's left to do is don the ol' flight suit and re-declare victory...

Is this funny?

I asked Rove, and he just grunted. I think it is. Tell me what YOU think!

Ari has left the building


It's such a shame. A good liar is so hard to find.

A product I recommend

I bought seven just last week. Great fun!

Laura still can't tell the difference!

On to Liberia!

More dark-skinned vermin to liberate. A Commander-in-Chief's job is never done...

After the African nation is secure for democracy, should I rename it Democratica?

Things to do today

I'm so glad Karl provides me with a list of things to do. It really helps quite a bit. Here goes:

1 - Look into mirror and say: "I support nuclear terror." Smirk. Wink. Repeat.

2 - Continue to stare blankly into mirror. "I support the people of Iran. They deserve the right to vote for their leaders, just as we Americans do. And like the people of the great state of Florida, their votes deserve to be counted, eventually. Long live the Mullahs!" Repeat.

3 - Masterbate to blown-up photo of own twin daughters. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Cutter.

4 - Kiss Laura in public. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Lite. Repeat.

5 - Go back to bed. Karl will handle it from here.

Let me tell ya'll once again: This is one tough job!

Fucking Blogger

I had to have Rove figure out this new system for me. It's too confusing. Especially since I'm presently hammered out of my mind.

Damn you, cyberspace! I'd MOAB your ass, if only you existed in the physical world!

IRAN

They're surrounded by the US military and a revolution is brewing internally. If democracy breaks out, do I get carved on Mount Rushmore before or after I leave office?

IRAQGATE

What's so wrong about telling a little fib in order to go to war? The American people wanted it! Oh, and the Israelis too...

Huh?

Rove tells me Jenna got her "hood" pierced. He says she even showed him. Don't ask me why it's supposed to be cool to disfigure a car like that...

Let's Give Peace A Chance

And if it doesn't work out to my liking, I'll kill them all. Muahahah!

Oh, Boy!

A new war? I hope so!

Damn, I'm Good

Everyone agrees with me. It's about time.

Heh

Aussies love me. Sorta.

Rough Day

I've got my daughter Jenna snuffling around in Mick Jagger's underpants, my Secretary of State is sucking up to the National Socialists...er...I mean the Social Democrats in Germany, and the economy risks going into not merely recession, but deflation.

I haven't needed a beer this bad since Rove told me about this site.

Schadenfreude

Hahaha!

I cracked a rib...

...laughing while reading this. Sorry, but when you're the Prez, you root for the Lakers. Anything else would be pussy.

I hate the French

And you should too!

Uh-oh...

Let's hope I'm dead by 2051...

Me and ... Ms. Jones!

I think Norah's gonna vote for me.

I'm golden...

Even the New York Times is saying I'm looking pretty good going into 2004. Why bother holding an election at all? Things would be so much easier if I was dictator...

My close personal friend Wlodzimierz Cimoszewicz

Gawd, I love Poles. And these guys love poles.

Bad News!

Looks like I'll have to stop downloading songs from the Dixie Chicks and Madonna. I might get a [gasp!] instant message from the RIAA!

Put 'em all inside cages in Gitmo, I say. All of 'em.

A New European Axis!

The French, Germans, Belgians, and Luxembourgites (Luxembourgians? Luxembourgers?) have agreed to set up a European Defense Union in an effort to move away from NATO. The only question is, who surrenders to who?

North Korea

Blackmail from Yellow Reds! Or is it Red Yellows? I'll have to ask Mineta...

Uh...

Should I sue, or be flattered?

Hey...

This idea ain't so bad...

Sniff...

But I thought you loved me, Tony...

Sigh. Men!

IRAN

You've been warned. Prepare for invas...I mean, liberation!

Sigh...

Looks like I'm gonna have to buy some duct tape for the Senate Leadership! [rim shot!]

You know, for their mouths. To keep them shut. So they don't say dumb stuff. Oh, forget it...

What do Nigeria and Florida have in common?

Exciting elections!

It's 4/20!

And Easter Sunday, too. And I got to meet some POWs. What a day! I'm so stoked. I've already eaten my weight in Peeps.

Gooks With Nukes

Used to be, the worst thing you had to worry about with Koreans was they'd steal your cat to make sandwiches. Now they threaten nuclear holocaust.

Can't they see I'm busy with Iraq and Syria and Cuba? And France? And Canada? And...oh, fuck. Everyone hates us. It's almost enough to drive a man to drink...

The EU

It's okay for them to become a superpower, as long as Tony is in charge. If Chirac wins, I'll get all pre-emptive on their asses.

Decisions, decisions...

There is a huge debate in my administration over whether to invade Syria next, or Cuba. Each side makes a persuasive case. The final call rests in my hands.

Aw, fuck it. Let's invade Canada.

Yee-Ha!

Looks like my posse caught themselves a varmint. Or whatever Maureen Dowd would have me say.

Heh-heh-heh!

Read it and weep, pinkos!

Syrian Weapons Of Mass Destruction!

We have intelligence that indicates Syria has chemical weapons. Of course, we had tons of intelligence that said Iraq has WMDs too, and that hasn't exactly panned out so far...

Maybe next I'll accuse the Easter Bunny of being insolent and invade Never-Never Land.

Awkward!

Looks like everyone's favorite morbidly obese communist will soon be heckling me at this year's White House Correspondents Dinner. How sickening will that be! Oh well; if I'm unable to finish my dinner, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone to clean my plate...

I just noticed something...

I've sent hundreds of thousands of Americans overseas to protect the Homeland from terrorism and weapons of mass destruction, and my own Energy Secretary, the guy in charge of the nation's nook-you-lurr stockpile, looks like Mohammed Atta's obese uncle.

You woulda thought someone might have said something to me...

I am an interrlectual

And I've got proof.

Question

If "spelunking" means exploring caves, then does "spell-linking" mean blogging from one?

Quote of the Day

From Victor Davis Hanson:

"[T]he shameless Dominique de Villepin hogged the world’s news before the war, did nothing during it, and now he’s back again — when he sniffs the danger is past and money is to be made, it is once more time for slick talk and the waving of arms. That American and British women fought live enemies courageously while some Frenchmen attacked the graves of dead friends seems to have escaped him."

Hmm...

Who do we side with in this one? NATO Turkey or anti-Saddam Kurds?

Aw, heck. Let's just attack both.

Iraq invades France and Germany!

Sorta.

Uh-oh...

But I thought Trent Lott was a Senator...

Who's Next?

You might be surprised...

I Won!

Next mission: Getting all these folks registered to vote in time for the next election.

The "White Lion"

It ain't Disneyland. Though probably less painful than a trip to Euro-Disney...

The "Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation"?

Maybe the BBC will hire Peter Arnett. I hear he's looking for work...

Chinese Food

I'll stick with Tex-Mex, but thanks anyway.

Not Again!

Well, it looks like we blew away an Al-Jazeera office. Again. That particular "smart" bomb must have had an extra chromosome. After all, as every rational person agrees, we would never deliberately target the Qatar-based television network.

We meant to hit the offices of Le Monde.

Ireland sucks!

Nothin' but a bunch of drunken, half-starved potato (potatoe?) farmers.

Hillsborough Castle is cool though. They've got all these serfs workin' there. At first I thought Tony called them "Smurfs", and I almost wet myself. But, no, they aren't little blue guys; they're more like slaves. So that's cool.

Oops...

So it wasn't sarin after all. It was Bug-Be-Gone.

Still. If I can't root out the global terrorist network, I'll just have to go after the global entomologist network.

Is it safe to flash the "V" sign yet?

• Saddam, you messed with a Bush. Now we've messed up one of yours.



• Well, it looks like we found a little nerve agent. Will the French join in the coalition in time to hinder our advance?



• People of Iraq! Our mission to liberate you is nearly complete! Now, meet your new dictator...



• Random thought: How about that Canadian health-care system! Lookin' good!

So, have I been re-elected yet?

How Democrats Mourn The Dead

Journalist Michael Kelly died while covering the War in Iraq. Some folks think that's just great. Not just the Iraqis, but apparently some of the "loyal opposition" as well.

I finally found my Dick!

He was right here all along!

I gotta admit, my Veep tends to ramble, and he seems a bit in-co-hair-ant. Must have taken one too many "heart pills" this mornin'...

Can you hear us?

Because we're coming, Saddam.

What a great loss...

I guess now I'll have to cancel my subscription to SLATE magazine.

Oh wait, no I won't. It's free. And worth every penny!

Not a very good picture...

Of Jenna, or me!

Russian Humor

Well, at least they're trying...

Oh No!

He lives. (And he writes better than me!)

Geez...

I'm still having trouble with the black vote.