Dan Rather

Since he'll likely be looking for work in the very near future, I have just the job for him: Press Secretary during my second term!

Let's look at all the positives he would bring to the Bush Team:

- He's a blatant liar

- He has zero shame

- He has more hair than either Ari or Scott

(Rove tells me I beat Gore largely because his bald spot turned off undecided voters. That, and by my cheating in Florida.)

So, welcome to the team, Dan! Just remember, we have "documents" that prove Iraq had WMDs...

John F. Kerry Is French Toast

Some recent polls are showing me ahead of my nuanced opponent by double-digits.

That, to me, is not surprising.

What is surprising is a poll Rove showed me earlier today. Apparently, I'm even beating Kerry in France.

That's some fuckin' convention bounce!