Monday, December 22, 2003

Saddam

I don't know who's more screwed: Saddam or Dr. Dean. One faces the fate of death; the other, the fate of Mondale, circa 1984.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Competition

Looks like Bill Clinton has a blog too!

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Jesus...

I'm facing more opposition in London than in Tikrit! And that's saying something...

Monday, November 03, 2003

IT

IT don't mean "information technology" anymore. IT means "international terror." And I oppose terror.

This ain't the Clinton years, where you could just get a good job in the high-tech sector and have a good life. Nope. Now you are called to duty to die for your country.

Like I was told to say:

“I pledge to you that America will never relent on this war against terror. (Applause.) There will be times of swift, dramatic action. There will be times of steady, quiet progress. Over time, with patience, and precision, the terrorists will be pursued. They will be isolated, surrounded, cornered, until there is no place to run, or hide, or rest.

“As military and civilian personnel in the Pentagon, you are an important part of the struggle we have entered. You know the risks of your calling, and you have willingly accepted them. You believe in our country, and our country believes in you.

“Within sight of this building is Arlington Cemetery, the final resting place of many thousands who died for our country over the generations. Enemies of America have now added to these graves, and they wish to add more. Unlike our enemies, we value every life, and we mourn every loss.

“Yet we're not afraid. Our cause is just, and worthy of sacrifice. Our nation is strong of heart, firm of purpose. Inspired by all the courage that has come before, we will meet our moment and we will prevail.”

Terror will not win. I oppose it. Like my daddy woulda said, it's bad. And if a few more hundred Americans have to die between now and my re-election, so be it.

It's all about Terror.

Friday, October 24, 2003

Australian Greens

Mindless drones. Dumber than 'roos. Howard ought to send their silly asses to Taz.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

California

My chances of winning the Golden State in 2004 just increased greatly. Now all I have to do is continue pandering to Hispanics, and maybe throw in the invasion of Belarus for good measure!

Thursday, September 25, 2003

NOW HIRING

We are currently accepting applications for two (2) young Muslim men who are fluent in Arabic to serve as Chaplains at Gitmo. Benefits include increased surveillance and eventual arrest and public humiliation. We are an Affirmative Action employer. Please send all resumes to the attention of Rummy.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Dang!

First, I had to fend off John McCain and his McCainiacs. Then it was Al Gore and his Gorons. Then it was international terrorists. Then the Taliban. Then Saddam and his sons. Now it's Hungarian billionaires!

What next? Frogs and locusts? C'mon Jesus Christ; lay off a guy for a bit.

Monday, September 08, 2003

My Speech

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm about to spend our country into fiscal default, but that's okay. As long as I win in 2004!

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Warm Thoughts

Hopefully, another raving non-Christian madman will destroy the lives of hundreds of Americans sometime soon. Hopefully, this individual, or these individuals, will be kind enough to give me an opening to invade Syria from Iraq.

This would certainly change the subject in the mainstream media from one of foreign policy disaster to one of proactive attacks against Terror. This would also afford me the opportunity to use the Second Anniversary of 9-11 as a re-election tool.

There is always hope, in this great land of ours. God Bless America. And God Damn Howard Dean!

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Tonight's Entertainment

Thanks to the freedom-smothering Patriot Act, I am now able to listen to any telephone conversation anywhere in the world. I could be listening to terrorist agents plan their next hideous attack. However, that kinda stuff gets old real quick. Instead, I'm eavesdropping on a conference call in California...

Arnold - I haf callt dis meeteenk to discuss de upcoming recawl election.

Bustamante - Uh, we know that Arnold. That's what you said in the e-mail...

Arnold - Shut up, you idiot! I'm giving some background!

Mary Carey - Background? Is that when you're on your back and laying on the ground?

McClintock - Silence, dirt-leg! Please let the "Kintergarden Cop" finish.

Arnold - Tank you. De voters of de Goldun State face un very difficult challenge in just a few short weeks. Dey have to choose dist a sinkle one of da scores of candidates on da ballot.

Mary Carey - Did someone say "Scores"?

Ueberroth - Would you just let the man finish, you fucking pig-whore? Jesus Christ...

Arnold - Anyvay, ve need to narrow down da field a bit. De avergae California voter is too stupid to figure out any ballot dis complex...

Bustamante - The ballot is really quite simple, Arnold. NO to the recall! YES to Bustamante!!

Ueberroth - That's has got to be the stupidest fucking political slogan I've ever heard. And I was around for "Log Cabins and Hard Cider"!

Mary Carey - Hey guys: Is it a bad thing when your labia dangle between your knees?

Larry Flynt - Garble murmur gurble slobber garble blither...

Mary Carey - No silly! It does not come with a little wheelchair ramp!

Arnold - Shut up! Ve need to fix dis problem. Ve need a solution. Like my fazzer always said, a final solution is always best...

Bustamante - Okay, how about this: NO to the recall! Yes to pintos y cheese!!

McClintock - Holy balls. You're the poster-boy for Prop 187, Bustamante.

Arnold - Aaargh!! I feel like breaking something. Where da hell did der Simon go?

Bustamante - Okay, okay: NO to delivery! YES to DiGiorno!!

Arnold - Dat's it. I'm now for concealed hantguns...


Friday, August 22, 2003

I Failed Kem-Iss-Tree at Yale

But it sure as shit looks like I got me another gosh-darn terrist!

I may not know the atomic mass of helium, but I know that catching evil-doers is worth 3 to 5 points in the next Gallup Poll!

Message to Howard Dean: How many bad-guys have you caught? All you do it slather maple syrup all over your gonads and let the communist-wing of the Democrat party lick it off.

Pervert.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Insufferous!

Where are Mr. Bill O'Reilly's attorneys when you need them?

This rogue is impersonating me! He even dares to call his low-rent, 99-cent Value Menu-style website "Bush Blog"!

The nerve of those who dare oppose me never ceases to amaze me. (Though admittedly, the same can be said of aluminum foil. I mean, it's just so fucking light.)

There really ought to be limits to freedom...

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I Love August

It's vay-cay-shun time again! I love this time of year. It's the only opportunity I get to binge drink.

People wonder why I wasn't all over the airwaves during the power crisis last week. Well ironically, during the blackout, I was blacked-out! So, I let a Republican mayor of NYC do all the heavy lifting. (Sound familiar?)

Looks like Dean's gonna get the Democrat nam-inn-nay-shun for President. Sounds good to me. Just gotta get Rove to "doctor" up some photos of Dr. Dean performing a third-trimester partial-birth abortion on a 13-year old Hispanic girl, and I'll be set.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Pair of Aces

Well, looks like we finally killed someone important over in Irack. Two someones, actually. Odie and Quizzy, the Sons of Sodom.

Now all that's left to do is don the ol' flight suit and re-declare victory...

Friday, July 18, 2003

Is this funny?

I asked Rove, and he just grunted. I think it is. Tell me what YOU think!

Monday, July 14, 2003

Ari has left the building


It's such a shame. A good liar is so hard to find.
A product I recommend

I bought seven just last week. Great fun!

Laura still can't tell the difference!

Thursday, July 03, 2003

On to Liberia!

More dark-skinned vermin to liberate. A Commander-in-Chief's job is never done...

After the African nation is secure for democracy, should I rename it Democratica?

Friday, June 27, 2003

Things to do today

I'm so glad Karl provides me with a list of things to do. It really helps quite a bit. Here goes:

1 - Look into mirror and say: "I support nuclear terror." Smirk. Wink. Repeat.

2 - Continue to stare blankly into mirror. "I support the people of Iran. They deserve the right to vote for their leaders, just as we Americans do. And like the people of the great state of Florida, their votes deserve to be counted, eventually. Long live the Mullahs!" Repeat.

3 - Masterbate to blown-up photo of own twin daughters. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Cutter.

4 - Kiss Laura in public. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Lite. Repeat.

5 - Go back to bed. Karl will handle it from here.

Let me tell ya'll once again: This is one tough job!

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Fucking Blogger

I had to have Rove figure out this new system for me. It's too confusing. Especially since I'm presently hammered out of my mind.

Damn you, cyberspace! I'd MOAB your ass, if only you existed in the physical world!

Monday, June 16, 2003

IRAN

They're surrounded by the US military and a revolution is brewing internally. If democracy breaks out, do I get carved on Mount Rushmore before or after I leave office?

Thursday, June 12, 2003

IRAQGATE

What's so wrong about telling a little fib in order to go to war? The American people wanted it! Oh, and the Israelis too...

Friday, June 06, 2003

Huh?

Rove tells me Jenna got her "hood" pierced. He says she even showed him. Don't ask me why it's supposed to be cool to disfigure a car like that...

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Let's Give Peace A Chance

And if it doesn't work out to my liking, I'll kill them all. Muahahah!

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Damn, I'm Good

Everyone agrees with me. It's about time.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Saturday, May 17, 2003

Rough Day

I've got my daughter Jenna snuffling around in Mick Jagger's underpants, my Secretary of State is sucking up to the National Socialists...er...I mean the Social Democrats in Germany, and the economy risks going into not merely recession, but deflation.

I haven't needed a beer this bad since Rove told me about this site.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Saturday, May 10, 2003

I cracked a rib...

...laughing while reading this. Sorry, but when you're the Prez, you root for the Lakers. Anything else would be pussy.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

I hate the French

And you should too!
Uh-oh...

Let's hope I'm dead by 2051...
Me and ... Ms. Jones!

I think Norah's gonna vote for me.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

I'm golden...

Even the New York Times is saying I'm looking pretty good going into 2004. Why bother holding an election at all? Things would be so much easier if I was dictator...

Saturday, May 03, 2003

My close personal friend Wlodzimierz Cimoszewicz

Gawd, I love Poles. And these guys love poles.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Bad News!

Looks like I'll have to stop downloading songs from the Dixie Chicks and Madonna. I might get a [gasp!] instant message from the RIAA!

Put 'em all inside cages in Gitmo, I say. All of 'em.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

A New European Axis!

The French, Germans, Belgians, and Luxembourgites (Luxembourgians? Luxembourgers?) have agreed to set up a European Defense Union in an effort to move away from NATO. The only question is, who surrenders to who?

Monday, April 28, 2003

North Korea

Blackmail from Yellow Reds! Or is it Red Yellows? I'll have to ask Mineta...

Sunday, April 27, 2003

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Friday, April 25, 2003

Sniff...

But I thought you loved me, Tony...

Sigh. Men!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

IRAN

You've been warned. Prepare for invas...I mean, liberation!

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Sigh...

Looks like I'm gonna have to buy some duct tape for the Senate Leadership! [rim shot!]

You know, for their mouths. To keep them shut. So they don't say dumb stuff. Oh, forget it...

Monday, April 21, 2003

What do Nigeria and Florida have in common?

Exciting elections!

Sunday, April 20, 2003

It's 4/20!

And Easter Sunday, too. And I got to meet some POWs. What a day! I'm so stoked. I've already eaten my weight in Peeps.

Saturday, April 19, 2003

Gooks With Nukes

Used to be, the worst thing you had to worry about with Koreans was they'd steal your cat to make sandwiches. Now they threaten nuclear holocaust.

Can't they see I'm busy with Iraq and Syria and Cuba? And France? And Canada? And...oh, fuck. Everyone hates us. It's almost enough to drive a man to drink...

Friday, April 18, 2003

The EU

It's okay for them to become a superpower, as long as Tony is in charge. If Chirac wins, I'll get all pre-emptive on their asses.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Decisions, decisions...

There is a huge debate in my administration over whether to invade Syria next, or Cuba. Each side makes a persuasive case. The final call rests in my hands.

Aw, fuck it. Let's invade Canada.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Yee-Ha!

Looks like my posse caught themselves a varmint. Or whatever Maureen Dowd would have me say.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Monday, April 14, 2003

Syrian Weapons Of Mass Destruction!

We have intelligence that indicates Syria has chemical weapons. Of course, we had tons of intelligence that said Iraq has WMDs too, and that hasn't exactly panned out so far...

Maybe next I'll accuse the Easter Bunny of being insolent and invade Never-Never Land.
Awkward!

Looks like everyone's favorite morbidly obese communist will soon be heckling me at this year's White House Correspondents Dinner. How sickening will that be! Oh well; if I'm unable to finish my dinner, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone to clean my plate...

Saturday, April 12, 2003

I just noticed something...

I've sent hundreds of thousands of Americans overseas to protect the Homeland from terrorism and weapons of mass destruction, and my own Energy Secretary, the guy in charge of the nation's nook-you-lurr stockpile, looks like Mohammed Atta's obese uncle.

You woulda thought someone might have said something to me...
I am an interrlectual

And I've got proof.

Friday, April 11, 2003

Question

If "spelunking" means exploring caves, then does "spell-linking" mean blogging from one?
Quote of the Day

From Victor Davis Hanson:

"[T]he shameless Dominique de Villepin hogged the world’s news before the war, did nothing during it, and now he’s back again — when he sniffs the danger is past and money is to be made, it is once more time for slick talk and the waving of arms. That American and British women fought live enemies courageously while some Frenchmen attacked the graves of dead friends seems to have escaped him."

Hmm...

Who do we side with in this one? NATO Turkey or anti-Saddam Kurds?

Aw, heck. Let's just attack both.
Iraq invades France and Germany!

Sorta.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Uh-oh...

But I thought Trent Lott was a Senator...

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Who's Next?

You might be surprised...
I Won!

Next mission: Getting all these folks registered to vote in time for the next election.
The "White Lion"

It ain't Disneyland. Though probably less painful than a trip to Euro-Disney...
The "Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation"?

Maybe the BBC will hire Peter Arnett. I hear he's looking for work...
Chinese Food

I'll stick with Tex-Mex, but thanks anyway.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Not Again!

Well, it looks like we blew away an Al-Jazeera office. Again. That particular "smart" bomb must have had an extra chromosome. After all, as every rational person agrees, we would never deliberately target the Qatar-based television network.

We meant to hit the offices of Le Monde.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Ireland sucks!

Nothin' but a bunch of drunken, half-starved potato (potatoe?) farmers.

Hillsborough Castle is cool though. They've got all these serfs workin' there. At first I thought Tony called them "Smurfs", and I almost wet myself. But, no, they aren't little blue guys; they're more like slaves. So that's cool.
Oops...

So it wasn't sarin after all. It was Bug-Be-Gone.

Still. If I can't root out the global terrorist network, I'll just have to go after the global entomologist network.
Is it safe to flash the "V" sign yet?



So, have I been re-elected yet?

Sunday, April 06, 2003

How Democrats Mourn The Dead

Journalist Michael Kelly died while covering the War in Iraq. Some folks think that's just great. Not just the Iraqis, but apparently some of the "loyal opposition" as well.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

I finally found my Dick!

He was right here all along!

I gotta admit, my Veep tends to ramble, and he seems a bit in-co-hair-ant. Must have taken one too many "heart pills" this mornin'...
Can you hear us?

Because we're coming, Saddam.
What a great loss...

I guess now I'll have to cancel my subscription to SLATE magazine.

Oh wait, no I won't. It's free. And worth every penny!
Not a very good picture...

Of Jenna, or me!
Russian Humor

Well, at least they're trying...

Friday, April 04, 2003

Oh No!

He lives. (And he writes better than me!)

Saturday, March 22, 2003

Geez...

I'm still having trouble with the black vote.

Friday, March 21, 2003

Fucking Canadians

Less than worthless.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

How The Civilian May Help In This Crisis


  • Be cheerful

  • Write encouragingly to friends at the front

  • Don't repeat foolish gossip

  • Don't listen to idle rumors

  • Don't think you know better than [Bush]


(Source: WWI British newspaper)

Monday, March 17, 2003

It's War

Bye-bye, Saddam. One way or the other.

Friday, March 14, 2003

The Dixie Cunts

More Hollywood than Dollywood.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

Will I Be Impeached?

No. But John Conyers will be sure to garner the pro-terrorist vote.

Due to Legislative Redistricting, Mr. Conyers now represents a district that includes large portions of Dearborn, MI. And Dearborn, not coincidentally, has one of the largest Arab populations outside Cairo.

But the $64,000 question is: If a dirty bomb went off in metro Detroit, would anyone notice?
Sad...

Take a gander at the type of people we are currently begging for support from. Cameroon's literacy rate is under 65%. Angola's is under 45%. I mean, I haven't seen people this pig ignorant since Jenna showed me photos of the crowd at a "Rage Against The Machine" concert.

Sunday, March 09, 2003

We Give Up!

No, you can't do that yet. Try again next week...

Sunday, March 02, 2003

There Will Be No War

Dead Iraqi innocents I can deal with. Turmoil and instability in the Middle East is no problem. Surging anti-American feeling across the globe is fine and dandy.

But this is simply too much. Call off the invasion.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

Dan Rather's Interview With Saddam

Typical Dan Rather. He gets down on his knees for an anti-American tyrant, and gets props from his cronies for it.

Sheesh. There ought to be limits to freedom...

Friday, February 21, 2003

Uh-Oh

Well. It looks like World War Number Three after all...

Monday, February 17, 2003

Happy President's Day!

It's just like Christmas, except baby Jesus didn't have nukes.

Friday, February 14, 2003

Old Adages

Jenna says that "one in the hand" is pointless, while "two in the bush" stings a little.

Thankfully, I've no clue what she's talking about. As usual.
Catholics

You gotta love the Pope. Any guy who hangs on to his job this long after senility sets in deserves my utmost respect. Same goes for Senator Byrd.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

The Prince Of Wales

A peacenik? Whodathunkit?

Saturday, February 08, 2003

The Common Herd

Merely Cogs in the Wheel of the State. But what pith!

Monday, February 03, 2003

My German Chum

Is going down in flames faster than a spa...I mean, is having some difficult times. Yeah.

Sunday, February 02, 2003

Saturday, February 01, 2003

Friday, January 31, 2003

Sexy!

I am strangely attracted to this young lady...

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Africans Love Me!

And hate filthy Frenchmen. Look at the headline, then the picture. I am moved.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

More Helen Thomas

Now she says I'm "the worst President in all of American history."

What the fuck did I ever do to you, you withered, used-up old bitch?

Saturday, January 25, 2003

Sniff...

Looking at this site makes me homesick for the ranch...

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Geez...

This guy thinks I have a "junta", whatever that means. And he says a few other strange things about me, as well.

Sunday, January 12, 2003

Sean Penn

He's almost as eloquent as me!

Friday, January 03, 2003

Helen Thomas

That miserable old crone! I'm tellin' Ari never to call on her again!