Saturday, December 17, 2005

That's Her Bush!

I love my daughter Jenna dearly, but why does she have to keep embarrassing me? That's such a poor job of shaving...

Monday, October 31, 2005

It Be Racism!

How dare the DNC refer to my new Supreme Court nominee as "Scalito!" That's a vicious ethnic slur!

I love Italian-Americans. I have always had a special place in my heart for dagos, wops, and guineas. Even though, as we all know, they are part eggplant...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

People Hate Me!

My job approval rating is only 37%! That's, like, lower than my IQ!

WTF, Karl? You need to chill with this endless grand jury testimony stuff, and focus on what's really important: Telling me how to be President!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Executive Order #13476.2(a)

I have just signed Executive Order #13476.2(a), which accomplishes the following three national priorities:

- It allows for the creation of a link to be made available on this Website for those constituents who would like to donate to Hurricane Katrina relief. This link is located on the left side of the page, just above the Site Meter statistics, and conforms to all federal regulations regarding font size and color.

- It provides for the immediate "retirement" of Supreme Court Justices Souter, Ginsburg, Breyer, Stevens, and Kennedy.

- It makes gay people disappear.

Thank you, and may God continue to bless America.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

John Roberts

Here's some elite opinion on my nominee for the USSC:

- "President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien

- "President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno

- "You realize (John Roberts) is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

- "The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno

Saturday, July 02, 2005

The Supreme Court

Sandra Day O'Connor is due to retire as soon as I pick her replacement!

[does the happy-dance]

Now I get to replace a moderate-conservative with a rabid, drooling-conservative. It just don't get much better than this!

I just hope Ann Coulter's confirmation hearings go smoothly...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Bush Quiz!

Please take this short test to determine the level of your loyalty to me.

It's pretty difficult; even I only got a 70%! (Which brings back some of those old college memories...)

As someone who strongly supports standardized testing in schools, I believe this little quiz should become part of the national kerr-ick-yoo-lum starting in the Fall. Any student who fails will be sent down to Gitmo for a lil' bit of "re-education"...and Rove assures me I can sell it to the public as a form of distance-learning!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Abstinence-Only Education

I'm a strong supporter of the good folks over at Iron Hymen.

If only Jenna had taken their advice to heart...

Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Devil Went Down To Georgia...

...and almost got his ass blown off!

Stupid rednecks...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

My Wife Is Desperate...

And she lives in a house. So I guess she's a desperate housewife!

But why can't she be as hot as Eva Longoria? I'd stay up real late married to that!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Tom Delay

He may be a little bit unethical, sure, but at least he's not disloyal!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

My Pal Vicente

Talks about the porous border we share...

Sunday, February 27, 2005

The Six Of Diamonds


I'm not playing with even close to a full deck anymore!

Friday, February 25, 2005

I Love My Pooty-Poot

I could hold him in a loving embrace all day long...

Shhh! Don't tell Laura, but I'm beginning to rethink that gay marriage ban...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

A Report on my Visit to Europe

From my favorite news source...

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Democracy in Iraq!

Finally! Now the violence will end, and we can pull all our troops out...

(Hey, I had ya'll goin' for a little bit, right?)

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I Love My Black Rice!

She's in! Only 13 members of the "loyal opposition" dared to vote against m'bitch.

Oh, man, my legacy is gonna be phat now. I gots bros and hoes all up in my shit. Shoo. It be cool...

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Senator Boxer

I'd say something nice about her, but then I'd have to lie. And we all know how she feels about liars...