Monday, December 15, 2008

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Saturday, September 06, 2008

I <3 McCain



He's the kind of American Hero you'd be proud to get a reach-around from.

Friday, May 09, 2008

My future son-in-law














Sigh...

Oh, well. At least he's White!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

More Liberal Media Bias



Totally out of context...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Congratulations, Jenna.

You're someone else's problem now.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Another Glorious Bush Achievement!

I'm the 43rd President of the United States of America, and the 1st President of the United States of Meximerica!

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Surge Is Working!

Our casualties are surging!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Senator Tim Johnson

Apparently he's "responsive to touch and words." Well,
he won't be
after I have his feeding tube removed!

Terri Schiavo's revenge!


And even if he does somehow pull through, I'll
just borrow some
polonium from Pooty-Poot!
After all, it's not like we need any more

Senators with brain damage...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Terror in Argentina!

In response to this unprovoked act of aggression, I have
made nukular genocide against Latinos the official policy
of the United States of America. We will fight them
wherever they congregate in large numbers. Our first
target will be Los Angeles.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Saturday, October 07, 2006

President Mark Foley?

As a Republican, I'm a strong supporter of child rape.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Saturday, December 17, 2005

That's Her Bush!

I love my daughter Jenna dearly, but why does she have to keep embarrassing me? That's such a poor job of shaving...

Monday, October 31, 2005

It Be Racism!

How dare the DNC refer to my new Supreme Court nominee as "Scalito!" That's a vicious ethnic slur!

I love Italian-Americans. I have always had a special place in my heart for dagos, wops, and guineas. Even though, as we all know, they are part eggplant...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

People Hate Me!

My job approval rating is only 37%! That's, like, lower than my IQ!

WTF, Karl? You need to chill with this endless grand jury testimony stuff, and focus on what's really important: Telling me how to be President!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Executive Order #13476.2(a)

I have just signed Executive Order #13476.2(a), which accomplishes the following three national priorities:

- It allows for the creation of a link to be made available on this Website for those constituents who would like to donate to Hurricane Katrina relief. This link is located on the left side of the page, just above the Site Meter statistics, and conforms to all federal regulations regarding font size and color.

- It provides for the immediate "retirement" of Supreme Court Justices Souter, Ginsburg, Breyer, Stevens, and Kennedy.

- It makes gay people disappear.

Thank you, and may God continue to bless America.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

John Roberts

Here's some elite opinion on my nominee for the USSC:

- "President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien

- "President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno

- "You realize (John Roberts) is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

- "The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno

Saturday, July 02, 2005

The Supreme Court

Sandra Day O'Connor is due to retire as soon as I pick her replacement!

[does the happy-dance]

Now I get to replace a moderate-conservative with a rabid, drooling-conservative. It just don't get much better than this!

I just hope Ann Coulter's confirmation hearings go smoothly...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Bush Quiz!

Please take this short test to determine the level of your loyalty to me.

It's pretty difficult; even I only got a 70%! (Which brings back some of those old college memories...)

As someone who strongly supports standardized testing in schools, I believe this little quiz should become part of the national kerr-ick-yoo-lum starting in the Fall. Any student who fails will be sent down to Gitmo for a lil' bit of "re-education"...and Rove assures me I can sell it to the public as a form of distance-learning!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Abstinence-Only Education

I'm a strong supporter of the good folks over at Iron Hymen.

If only Jenna had taken their advice to heart...

Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Devil Went Down To Georgia...

...and almost got his ass blown off!

Stupid rednecks...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

My Wife Is Desperate...

And she lives in a house. So I guess she's a desperate housewife!

But why can't she be as hot as Eva Longoria? I'd stay up real late married to that!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Tom Delay

He may be a little bit unethical, sure, but at least he's not disloyal!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

My Pal Vicente

Talks about the porous border we share...

Sunday, February 27, 2005

The Six Of Diamonds

Caught!

I'm not playing with even close to a full deck anymore!

Friday, February 25, 2005

I Love My Pooty-Poot

I could hold him in a loving embrace all day long...

Shhh! Don't tell Laura, but I'm beginning to rethink that gay marriage ban...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

A Report on my Visit to Europe

From my favorite news source...

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Democracy in Iraq!

Finally! Now the violence will end, and we can pull all our troops out...

(Hey, I had ya'll goin' for a little bit, right?)

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I Love My Black Rice!

She's in! Only 13 members of the "loyal opposition" dared to vote against m'bitch.

Oh, man, my legacy is gonna be phat now. I gots bros and hoes all up in my shit. Shoo. It be cool...


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Senator Boxer

I'd say something nice about her, but then I'd have to lie. And we all know how she feels about liars...

Thursday, November 04, 2004

FOUR MORE YEARS!

I'm telling Tom Ridge to go place the terror alert on orange. Fear works wonders!

Sunday, October 03, 2004

The Debate

Okay, so I got the shit kicked out of me. So what?

At least I didn't stoop to cheating...

Monday, September 20, 2004

Dan Rather

Since he'll likely be looking for work in the very near future, I have just the job for him: Press Secretary during my second term!

Let's look at all the positives he would bring to the Bush Team:

- He's a blatant liar

- He has zero shame

- He has more hair than either Ari or Scott

(Rove tells me I beat Gore largely because his bald spot turned off undecided voters. That, and by my cheating in Florida.)

So, welcome to the team, Dan! Just remember, we have "documents" that prove Iraq had WMDs...
John F. Kerry Is French Toast

Some recent polls are showing me ahead of my nuanced opponent by double-digits.

That, to me, is not surprising.

What is surprising is a poll Rove showed me earlier today. Apparently, I'm even beating Kerry in France.

That's some fuckin' convention bounce!

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Slimeball Politics

This race is getting uglier than John Kerry's wife, and dirtier than his daughter.

(And my campaign played no role whatsoever in the above sentence...)


Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Child Rape

I oppose it.

However, I don't believe my opponent has said much about it. Perhaps I've found a wedge-issue?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Sigh...

Instead of greeting national icons like Shaq and possible-mad-dog-rapist Kobe Bryant to the White House for a photo-op, I'm stuck with no-names like Ben Wallace and Richard Hamilton.

Oh, well. Maybe I can get an endorsement from that Prince guy. He looks sorta white...

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Ronald Reagan

Look, I'm sorry the guy had to die. But, I mean, couldn't he have waited a few days? Now my D-Day 60th Anniversary Speech in France won't get the media attention it deserves...

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Bikers For Bush!

I just picked up a key endorsement from the Rolling Thunder motorcycle club. It seems we share many of the same values: Violence, improper grammar, and meth.

In related campaign news, recent polls show me leading Kerry in capturing the crucial toothless vote. And skanks reportedly favor me over Kerry by a margin of three to one.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

WMDs

We finally were able to plant, er, I mean, find some.

Take that, Hans Blix!

Saturday, May 08, 2004

9/11 Jewelry

Here. Oh, and horse testicles!

Wanna bet this guy is a Kerry supporter?

Friday, April 23, 2004

Kerry's New Bumper Stickers

Here, here, and here.
Benedict Arnold Companies

We've finally found one. Thanks, Cap'n!

Friday, April 16, 2004

Osama Releases Another Tape...

I think he's losing it. Worst case of cave-fever I've ever seen.
Osama's Greatest Hits

He's got talent! Now if only he could be convinced to show up for an American Idol audition...

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Prez's Press Pressure

This cartoon fairly accurately describes the kinds of hostile media a fella faces these days.

Have I stopped beating my wife? Yeah, the same day I quit drinkin'! Next question...

Sunday, April 04, 2004

A Big Poll!

Looks like the Midwest is going to be as big a battleground as the Mideast this year. I'm just one point down in Michigan, according to a recent poll. Maybe I should wear a Red Wings shirt and a Pistons hat while campaigning in Detroit? As long as I don't mention the Tigers or Lions, I'll probably be okay.


Monday, March 15, 2004

This President

John F-ing Kerry has a habit of referring to me as "This President" and then following up with a baseless claim. Examples abound:

"This president has created an economy that feeds the special interests..." (says the Senate's number-one recipient of individual campaign contributions from lobbyists...)

"This president has in fact created terrorists where they didn't exist..." (Now I'm a fucking magician?)

"[T]his president has run the most arrogant, inept, reckless and ideological foreign policy in the modern history of our country..." (So, if I was less "inept" maybe North Korea and Syria would have been liberated as well as Iraq and Afghanistan?)

I am taking bets on future "This President" attacks against me by the Senator from Massachusetts. Here are a few possibilities:

"This President has been known to hate his mother, turn down apple pie, and only feign interest in the sport of baseball."

"This President is addicted to re-runs of the Smurfs, and does keg-stands during the commercials."

"This President gets sexually aroused whenever Arafat reaches for another baby-wipe."

"This President cut your taxes, defeated two evil regimes, and has not yet gotten blown by an intern. Uh, and he must be defeated in November!"

This President is about to dry heave.

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Spending Your Money

I keep hearing people complain about how I'm spending like there's no tomorrow. Well, I've got news for you folks: With my foreign policy, there might not be a tomorrow!

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

QUEERS

Them folks don't act like normal folks. They like it in the rear. No way I'm gonna allow that to become the norm!

Now, can somebody please tell me why Jenna was dragged out of a black fraternity party with a severe case of rectal bleeding?

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Where the %#$& is Rove???

My poll numbers are going down faster than Jenna after a bottle of tequila. Maybe I should announce my adminstration's opposition to the war in Iraq? Or maybe I should resign and run as a humble Southerner who opposes Cheney and the Washington insiders?

Damnit, I just don't know! And all Rove can think of is for me to embarrass myself on "Meet the Press" tomorrow.

Looks like I'll have to resort to running ads that make it look like Willie Horton is John Kerry's running mate...

Thursday, January 29, 2004

WMD

Okay, so there weren't any. So what? The economy is improving, and Saddam is in a cell. Not a terror cell, but a prison cell.

By the way, John F. Kerry's mouth look like an anus on the NEWSWEEK cover. I just had to say that.

Monday, January 26, 2004

NH

I think Senator Lieberman is about to experience his own personal Holocaust. Heh.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Kerry

The man is wearing a wig. He has to be!

Monday, January 19, 2004

Iowa

Four losers tied for not-last. Whoever wins will eventually lose. (So Rove says...)

Monday, January 12, 2004

O'Neill

What an asshole. If this is how former Cabinet members will treat me, I can only shudder in expectation of Colin Powell's tell-all in 2005...

Friday, January 09, 2004

Mexicans

It was a difficult decision for Rove to make, but he decided we should let illegal Mexicans take American jobs. Well, they're already taking them, but now we wanna make it legal.

Sure, when they came to our country, their first act upon entering was to break federal law, but that's cool. I mean, I used to do an eight-ball a night, and that sure as shit ain't legal!

So, for the sake of my re-election, instead of punishing federal criminals, we'll give them American jobs, let them send the money back to Mexico (or as I say it, May-He-Coh), and further strain our social support system.

And if that doesn't get me re-elected, I'll just send someone back to the Moon! Let's hope he makes it in one piece...

Monday, December 22, 2003

Saddam

I don't know who's more screwed: Saddam or Dr. Dean. One faces the fate of death; the other, the fate of Mondale, circa 1984.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Competition

Looks like Bill Clinton has a blog too!

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Jesus...

I'm facing more opposition in London than in Tikrit! And that's saying something...

Monday, November 03, 2003

IT

IT don't mean "information technology" anymore. IT means "international terror." And I oppose terror.

This ain't the Clinton years, where you could just get a good job in the high-tech sector and have a good life. Nope. Now you are called to duty to die for your country.

Like I was told to say:

“I pledge to you that America will never relent on this war against terror. (Applause.) There will be times of swift, dramatic action. There will be times of steady, quiet progress. Over time, with patience, and precision, the terrorists will be pursued. They will be isolated, surrounded, cornered, until there is no place to run, or hide, or rest.

“As military and civilian personnel in the Pentagon, you are an important part of the struggle we have entered. You know the risks of your calling, and you have willingly accepted them. You believe in our country, and our country believes in you.

“Within sight of this building is Arlington Cemetery, the final resting place of many thousands who died for our country over the generations. Enemies of America have now added to these graves, and they wish to add more. Unlike our enemies, we value every life, and we mourn every loss.

“Yet we're not afraid. Our cause is just, and worthy of sacrifice. Our nation is strong of heart, firm of purpose. Inspired by all the courage that has come before, we will meet our moment and we will prevail.”

Terror will not win. I oppose it. Like my daddy woulda said, it's bad. And if a few more hundred Americans have to die between now and my re-election, so be it.

It's all about Terror.

Friday, October 24, 2003

Australian Greens

Mindless drones. Dumber than 'roos. Howard ought to send their silly asses to Taz.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

California

My chances of winning the Golden State in 2004 just increased greatly. Now all I have to do is continue pandering to Hispanics, and maybe throw in the invasion of Belarus for good measure!

Thursday, September 25, 2003

NOW HIRING

We are currently accepting applications for two (2) young Muslim men who are fluent in Arabic to serve as Chaplains at Gitmo. Benefits include increased surveillance and eventual arrest and public humiliation. We are an Affirmative Action employer. Please send all resumes to the attention of Rummy.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Dang!

First, I had to fend off John McCain and his McCainiacs. Then it was Al Gore and his Gorons. Then it was international terrorists. Then the Taliban. Then Saddam and his sons. Now it's Hungarian billionaires!

What next? Frogs and locusts? C'mon Jesus Christ; lay off a guy for a bit.

Monday, September 08, 2003

My Speech

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm about to spend our country into fiscal default, but that's okay. As long as I win in 2004!

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Warm Thoughts

Hopefully, another raving non-Christian madman will destroy the lives of hundreds of Americans sometime soon. Hopefully, this individual, or these individuals, will be kind enough to give me an opening to invade Syria from Iraq.

This would certainly change the subject in the mainstream media from one of foreign policy disaster to one of proactive attacks against Terror. This would also afford me the opportunity to use the Second Anniversary of 9-11 as a re-election tool.

There is always hope, in this great land of ours. God Bless America. And God Damn Howard Dean!

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Tonight's Entertainment

Thanks to the freedom-smothering Patriot Act, I am now able to listen to any telephone conversation anywhere in the world. I could be listening to terrorist agents plan their next hideous attack. However, that kinda stuff gets old real quick. Instead, I'm eavesdropping on a conference call in California...

Arnold - I haf callt dis meeteenk to discuss de upcoming recawl election.

Bustamante - Uh, we know that Arnold. That's what you said in the e-mail...

Arnold - Shut up, you idiot! I'm giving some background!

Mary Carey - Background? Is that when you're on your back and laying on the ground?

McClintock - Silence, dirt-leg! Please let the "Kintergarden Cop" finish.

Arnold - Tank you. De voters of de Goldun State face un very difficult challenge in just a few short weeks. Dey have to choose dist a sinkle one of da scores of candidates on da ballot.

Mary Carey - Did someone say "Scores"?

Ueberroth - Would you just let the man finish, you fucking pig-whore? Jesus Christ...

Arnold - Anyvay, ve need to narrow down da field a bit. De avergae California voter is too stupid to figure out any ballot dis complex...

Bustamante - The ballot is really quite simple, Arnold. NO to the recall! YES to Bustamante!!

Ueberroth - That's has got to be the stupidest fucking political slogan I've ever heard. And I was around for "Log Cabins and Hard Cider"!

Mary Carey - Hey guys: Is it a bad thing when your labia dangle between your knees?

Larry Flynt - Garble murmur gurble slobber garble blither...

Mary Carey - No silly! It does not come with a little wheelchair ramp!

Arnold - Shut up! Ve need to fix dis problem. Ve need a solution. Like my fazzer always said, a final solution is always best...

Bustamante - Okay, how about this: NO to the recall! Yes to pintos y cheese!!

McClintock - Holy balls. You're the poster-boy for Prop 187, Bustamante.

Arnold - Aaargh!! I feel like breaking something. Where da hell did der Simon go?

Bustamante - Okay, okay: NO to delivery! YES to DiGiorno!!

Arnold - Dat's it. I'm now for concealed hantguns...


Friday, August 22, 2003

I Failed Kem-Iss-Tree at Yale

But it sure as shit looks like I got me another gosh-darn terrist!

I may not know the atomic mass of helium, but I know that catching evil-doers is worth 3 to 5 points in the next Gallup Poll!

Message to Howard Dean: How many bad-guys have you caught? All you do it slather maple syrup all over your gonads and let the communist-wing of the Democrat party lick it off.

Pervert.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Insufferous!

Where are Mr. Bill O'Reilly's attorneys when you need them?

This rogue is impersonating me! He even dares to call his low-rent, 99-cent Value Menu-style website "Bush Blog"!

The nerve of those who dare oppose me never ceases to amaze me. (Though admittedly, the same can be said of aluminum foil. I mean, it's just so fucking light.)

There really ought to be limits to freedom...

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I Love August

It's vay-cay-shun time again! I love this time of year. It's the only opportunity I get to binge drink.

People wonder why I wasn't all over the airwaves during the power crisis last week. Well ironically, during the blackout, I was blacked-out! So, I let a Republican mayor of NYC do all the heavy lifting. (Sound familiar?)

Looks like Dean's gonna get the Democrat nam-inn-nay-shun for President. Sounds good to me. Just gotta get Rove to "doctor" up some photos of Dr. Dean performing a third-trimester partial-birth abortion on a 13-year old Hispanic girl, and I'll be set.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Pair of Aces

Well, looks like we finally killed someone important over in Irack. Two someones, actually. Odie and Quizzy, the Sons of Sodom.

Now all that's left to do is don the ol' flight suit and re-declare victory...

Friday, July 18, 2003

Is this funny?

I asked Rove, and he just grunted. I think it is. Tell me what YOU think!

Monday, July 14, 2003

Ari has left the building


It's such a shame. A good liar is so hard to find.
A product I recommend

I bought seven just last week. Great fun!

Laura still can't tell the difference!

Thursday, July 03, 2003

On to Liberia!

More dark-skinned vermin to liberate. A Commander-in-Chief's job is never done...

After the African nation is secure for democracy, should I rename it Democratica?

Friday, June 27, 2003

Things to do today

I'm so glad Karl provides me with a list of things to do. It really helps quite a bit. Here goes:

1 - Look into mirror and say: "I support nuclear terror." Smirk. Wink. Repeat.

2 - Continue to stare blankly into mirror. "I support the people of Iran. They deserve the right to vote for their leaders, just as we Americans do. And like the people of the great state of Florida, their votes deserve to be counted, eventually. Long live the Mullahs!" Repeat.

3 - Masterbate to blown-up photo of own twin daughters. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Cutter.

4 - Kiss Laura in public. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Lite. Repeat.

5 - Go back to bed. Karl will handle it from here.

Let me tell ya'll once again: This is one tough job!

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Fucking Blogger

I had to have Rove figure out this new system for me. It's too confusing. Especially since I'm presently hammered out of my mind.

Damn you, cyberspace! I'd MOAB your ass, if only you existed in the physical world!

Monday, June 16, 2003

IRAN

They're surrounded by the US military and a revolution is brewing internally. If democracy breaks out, do I get carved on Mount Rushmore before or after I leave office?

Thursday, June 12, 2003

IRAQGATE

What's so wrong about telling a little fib in order to go to war? The American people wanted it! Oh, and the Israelis too...

Friday, June 06, 2003

Huh?

Rove tells me Jenna got her "hood" pierced. He says she even showed him. Don't ask me why it's supposed to be cool to disfigure a car like that...

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Let's Give Peace A Chance

And if it doesn't work out to my liking, I'll kill them all. Muahahah!

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Damn, I'm Good

Everyone agrees with me. It's about time.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Saturday, May 17, 2003

Rough Day

I've got my daughter Jenna snuffling around in Mick Jagger's underpants, my Secretary of State is sucking up to the National Socialists...er...I mean the Social Democrats in Germany, and the economy risks going into not merely recession, but deflation.

I haven't needed a beer this bad since Rove told me about this site.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Saturday, May 10, 2003

I cracked a rib...

...laughing while reading this. Sorry, but when you're the Prez, you root for the Lakers. Anything else would be pussy.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

I hate the French

And you should too!
Uh-oh...

Let's hope I'm dead by 2051...
Me and ... Ms. Jones!

I think Norah's gonna vote for me.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

I'm golden...

Even the New York Times is saying I'm looking pretty good going into 2004. Why bother holding an election at all? Things would be so much easier if I was dictator...

Saturday, May 03, 2003

My close personal friend Wlodzimierz Cimoszewicz

Gawd, I love Poles. And these guys love poles.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Bad News!

Looks like I'll have to stop downloading songs from the Dixie Chicks and Madonna. I might get a [gasp!] instant message from the RIAA!

Put 'em all inside cages in Gitmo, I say. All of 'em.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

A New European Axis!

The French, Germans, Belgians, and Luxembourgites (Luxembourgians? Luxembourgers?) have agreed to set up a European Defense Union in an effort to move away from NATO. The only question is, who surrenders to who?

Monday, April 28, 2003

North Korea

Blackmail from Yellow Reds! Or is it Red Yellows? I'll have to ask Mineta...