In response to this unprovoked act of aggression, I have made nukular genocide against Latinos the official policy of the United States of America. We will fight them wherever they congregate in large numbers. Our first target will be Los Angeles.
Executive Order #13476.2(a) I have just signed Executive Order #13476.2(a), which accomplishes the following three national priorities:
- It allows for the creation of a link to be made available on this Website for those constituents who would like to donate to Hurricane Katrina relief. This link is located on the left side of the page, just above the Site Meter statistics, and conforms to all federal regulations regarding font size and color.
- It provides for the immediate "retirement" of Supreme Court Justices Souter, Ginsburg, Breyer, Stevens, and Kennedy.
- "President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien
- "President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno
- "You realize (John Roberts) is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno
- "The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno
Bush Quiz! Please take this short test to determine the level of your loyalty to me.
It's pretty difficult; even I only got a 70%! (Which brings back some of those old college memories...)
As someone who strongly supports standardized testing in schools, I believe this little quiz should become part of the national kerr-ick-yoo-lum starting in the Fall. Any student who fails will be sent down to Gitmo for a lil' bit of "re-education"...and Rove assures me I can sell it to the public as a form of distance-learning!
Looks like the Midwest is going to be as big a battleground as the Mideast this year. I'm just one point down in Michigan, according to a recent poll. Maybe I should wear a Red Wings shirt and a Pistons hat while campaigning in Detroit? As long as I don't mention the Tigers or Lions, I'll probably be okay.
John F-ing Kerry has a habit of referring to me as "This President" and then following up with a baseless claim. Examples abound:
"This president has created an economy that feeds the special interests..." (says the Senate's number-one recipient of individual campaign contributions from lobbyists...)
"This president has in fact created terrorists where they didn't exist..." (Now I'm a fucking magician?)
"[T]his president has run the most arrogant, inept, reckless and ideological foreign policy in the modern history of our country..." (So, if I was less "inept" maybe North Korea and Syria would have been liberated as well as Iraq and Afghanistan?)
I am taking bets on future "This President" attacks against me by the Senator from Massachusetts. Here are a few possibilities:
"This President has been known to hate his mother, turn down apple pie, and only feign interest in the sport of baseball."
"This President is addicted to re-runs of the Smurfs, and does keg-stands during the commercials."
"This President gets sexually aroused whenever Arafat reaches for another baby-wipe."
"This President cut your taxes, defeated two evil regimes, and has not yet gotten blown by an intern. Uh, and he must be defeated in November!"
My poll numbers are going down faster than Jenna after a bottle of tequila. Maybe I should announce my adminstration's opposition to the war in Iraq? Or maybe I should resign and run as a humble Southerner who opposes Cheney and the Washington insiders?
Damnit, I just don't know! And all Rove can think of is for me to embarrass myself on "Meet the Press" tomorrow.
Looks like I'll have to resort to running ads that make it look like Willie Horton is John Kerry's running mate...
It was a difficult decision for Rove to make, but he decided we should let illegal Mexicans take American jobs. Well, they're already taking them, but now we wanna make it legal.
Sure, when they came to our country, their first act upon entering was to break federal law, but that's cool. I mean, I used to do an eight-ball a night, and that sure as shit ain't legal!
So, for the sake of my re-election, instead of punishing federal criminals, we'll give them American jobs, let them send the money back to Mexico (or as I say it, May-He-Coh), and further strain our social support system.
And if that doesn't get me re-elected, I'll just send someone back to the Moon! Let's hope he makes it in one piece...
IT don't mean "information technology" anymore. IT means "international terror." And I oppose terror.
This ain't the Clinton years, where you could just get a good job in the high-tech sector and have a good life. Nope. Now you are called to duty to die for your country.
Like I was told to say:
“I pledge to you that America will never relent on this war against terror. (Applause.) There will be times of swift, dramatic action. There will be times of steady, quiet progress. Over time, with patience, and precision, the terrorists will be pursued. They will be isolated, surrounded, cornered, until there is no place to run, or hide, or rest.
“As military and civilian personnel in the Pentagon, you are an important part of the struggle we have entered. You know the risks of your calling, and you have willingly accepted them. You believe in our country, and our country believes in you.
“Within sight of this building is Arlington Cemetery, the final resting place of many thousands who died for our country over the generations. Enemies of America have now added to these graves, and they wish to add more. Unlike our enemies, we value every life, and we mourn every loss.
“Yet we're not afraid. Our cause is just, and worthy of sacrifice. Our nation is strong of heart, firm of purpose. Inspired by all the courage that has come before, we will meet our moment and we will prevail.”
Terror will not win. I oppose it. Like my daddy woulda said, it's bad. And if a few more hundred Americans have to die between now and my re-election, so be it.
We are currently accepting applications for two (2) young Muslim men who are fluent in Arabic to serve as Chaplains at Gitmo. Benefits include increased surveillance and eventual arrest and public humiliation. We are an Affirmative Action employer. Please send all resumes to the attention of Rummy.
First, I had to fend off John McCain and his McCainiacs. Then it was Al Gore and his Gorons. Then it was international terrorists. Then the Taliban. Then Saddam and his sons. Now it's Hungarian billionaires!
What next? Frogs and locusts? C'mon Jesus Christ; lay off a guy for a bit.
Hopefully, another raving non-Christian madman will destroy the lives of hundreds of Americans sometime soon. Hopefully, this individual, or these individuals, will be kind enough to give me an opening to invade Syria from Iraq.
This would certainly change the subject in the mainstream media from one of foreign policy disaster to one of proactive attacks against Terror. This would also afford me the opportunity to use the Second Anniversary of 9-11 as a re-election tool.
Thanks to the freedom-smothering Patriot Act, I am now able to listen to any telephone conversation anywhere in the world. I could be listening to terrorist agents plan their next hideous attack. However, that kinda stuff gets old real quick. Instead, I'm eavesdropping on a conference call in California...
Arnold - I haf callt dis meeteenk to discuss de upcoming recawl election.
Bustamante - Uh, we know that Arnold. That's what you said in the e-mail...
Arnold - Shut up, you idiot! I'm giving some background!
Mary Carey - Background? Is that when you're on your back and laying on the ground?
McClintock - Silence, dirt-leg! Please let the "Kintergarden Cop" finish.
Arnold - Tank you. De voters of de Goldun State face un very difficult challenge in just a few short weeks. Dey have to choose dist a sinkle one of da scores of candidates on da ballot.
Mary Carey - Did someone say "Scores"?
Ueberroth - Would you just let the man finish, you fucking pig-whore? Jesus Christ...
Arnold - Anyvay, ve need to narrow down da field a bit. De avergae California voter is too stupid to figure out any ballot dis complex...
Bustamante - The ballot is really quite simple, Arnold. NO to the recall! YES to Bustamante!!
Ueberroth - That's has got to be the stupidest fucking political slogan I've ever heard. And I was around for "Log Cabins and Hard Cider"!
Mary Carey - Hey guys: Is it a bad thing when your labia dangle between your knees?
Larry Flynt - Garble murmur gurble slobber garble blither...
Mary Carey - No silly! It does not come with a little wheelchair ramp!
Arnold - Shut up! Ve need to fix dis problem. Ve need a solution. Like my fazzer always said, a final solution is always best...
Bustamante - Okay, how about this: NO to the recall! Yes to pintos y cheese!!
McClintock - Holy balls. You're the poster-boy for Prop 187, Bustamante.
Arnold - Aaargh!! I feel like breaking something. Where da hell did der Simon go?
Bustamante - Okay, okay: NO to delivery! YES to DiGiorno!!
Arnold - Dat's it. I'm now for concealed hantguns...
It's vay-cay-shun time again! I love this time of year. It's the only opportunity I get to binge drink.
People wonder why I wasn't all over the airwaves during the power crisis last week. Well ironically, during the blackout, I was blacked-out! So, I let a Republican mayor of NYC do all the heavy lifting. (Sound familiar?)
Looks like Dean's gonna get the Democrat nam-inn-nay-shun for President. Sounds good to me. Just gotta get Rove to "doctor" up some photos of Dr. Dean performing a third-trimester partial-birth abortion on a 13-year old Hispanic girl, and I'll be set.
I'm so glad Karl provides me with a list of things to do. It really helps quite a bit. Here goes:
1 - Look into mirror and say: "I support nuclear terror." Smirk. Wink. Repeat.
2 - Continue to stare blankly into mirror. "I support the people of Iran. They deserve the right to vote for their leaders, just as we Americans do. And like the people of the great state of Florida, their votes deserve to be counted, eventually. Long live the Mullahs!" Repeat.
3 - Masterbate to blown-up photo of own twin daughters. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Cutter.
4 - Kiss Laura in public. Deny ever doing so. Have a Coors Lite. Repeat.
5 - Go back to bed. Karl will handle it from here.
Let me tell ya'll once again: This is one tough job!
I've got my daughter Jenna snuffling around in Mick Jagger's underpants, my Secretary of State is sucking up to the National Socialists...er...I mean the Social Democrats in Germany, and the economy risks going into not merely recession, but deflation.
I haven't needed a beer this bad since Rove told me about this site.
The French, Germans, Belgians, and Luxembourgites (Luxembourgians? Luxembourgers?) have agreed to set up a European Defense Union in an effort to move away from NATO. The only question is, who surrenders to who?