Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Tonight's Entertainment

Thanks to the freedom-smothering Patriot Act, I am now able to listen to any telephone conversation anywhere in the world. I could be listening to terrorist agents plan their next hideous attack. However, that kinda stuff gets old real quick. Instead, I'm eavesdropping on a conference call in California...

Arnold - I haf callt dis meeteenk to discuss de upcoming recawl election.

Bustamante - Uh, we know that Arnold. That's what you said in the e-mail...

Arnold - Shut up, you idiot! I'm giving some background!

Mary Carey - Background? Is that when you're on your back and laying on the ground?

McClintock - Silence, dirt-leg! Please let the "Kintergarden Cop" finish.

Arnold - Tank you. De voters of de Goldun State face un very difficult challenge in just a few short weeks. Dey have to choose dist a sinkle one of da scores of candidates on da ballot.

Mary Carey - Did someone say "Scores"?

Ueberroth - Would you just let the man finish, you fucking pig-whore? Jesus Christ...

Arnold - Anyvay, ve need to narrow down da field a bit. De avergae California voter is too stupid to figure out any ballot dis complex...

Bustamante - The ballot is really quite simple, Arnold. NO to the recall! YES to Bustamante!!

Ueberroth - That's has got to be the stupidest fucking political slogan I've ever heard. And I was around for "Log Cabins and Hard Cider"!

Mary Carey - Hey guys: Is it a bad thing when your labia dangle between your knees?

Larry Flynt - Garble murmur gurble slobber garble blither...

Mary Carey - No silly! It does not come with a little wheelchair ramp!

Arnold - Shut up! Ve need to fix dis problem. Ve need a solution. Like my fazzer always said, a final solution is always best...

Bustamante - Okay, how about this: NO to the recall! Yes to pintos y cheese!!

McClintock - Holy balls. You're the poster-boy for Prop 187, Bustamante.

Arnold - Aaargh!! I feel like breaking something. Where da hell did der Simon go?

Bustamante - Okay, okay: NO to delivery! YES to DiGiorno!!

Arnold - Dat's it. I'm now for concealed hantguns...

Friday, August 22, 2003

I Failed Kem-Iss-Tree at Yale

But it sure as shit looks like I got me another gosh-darn terrist!

I may not know the atomic mass of helium, but I know that catching evil-doers is worth 3 to 5 points in the next Gallup Poll!

Message to Howard Dean: How many bad-guys have you caught? All you do it slather maple syrup all over your gonads and let the communist-wing of the Democrat party lick it off.


Tuesday, August 19, 2003


Where are Mr. Bill O'Reilly's attorneys when you need them?

This rogue is impersonating me! He even dares to call his low-rent, 99-cent Value Menu-style website "Bush Blog"!

The nerve of those who dare oppose me never ceases to amaze me. (Though admittedly, the same can be said of aluminum foil. I mean, it's just so fucking light.)

There really ought to be limits to freedom...

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I Love August

It's vay-cay-shun time again! I love this time of year. It's the only opportunity I get to binge drink.

People wonder why I wasn't all over the airwaves during the power crisis last week. Well ironically, during the blackout, I was blacked-out! So, I let a Republican mayor of NYC do all the heavy lifting. (Sound familiar?)

Looks like Dean's gonna get the Democrat nam-inn-nay-shun for President. Sounds good to me. Just gotta get Rove to "doctor" up some photos of Dr. Dean performing a third-trimester partial-birth abortion on a 13-year old Hispanic girl, and I'll be set.