Bad News!

Looks like I'll have to stop downloading songs from the Dixie Chicks and Madonna. I might get a [gasp!] instant message from the RIAA!

Put 'em all inside cages in Gitmo, I say. All of 'em.

A New European Axis!

The French, Germans, Belgians, and Luxembourgites (Luxembourgians? Luxembourgers?) have agreed to set up a European Defense Union in an effort to move away from NATO. The only question is, who surrenders to who?

North Korea

Blackmail from Yellow Reds! Or is it Red Yellows? I'll have to ask Mineta...

Uh...

Should I sue, or be flattered?

Hey...

This idea ain't so bad...

Sniff...

But I thought you loved me, Tony...

Sigh. Men!

IRAN

You've been warned. Prepare for invas...I mean, liberation!

Sigh...

Looks like I'm gonna have to buy some duct tape for the Senate Leadership! [rim shot!]

You know, for their mouths. To keep them shut. So they don't say dumb stuff. Oh, forget it...

What do Nigeria and Florida have in common?

Exciting elections!

It's 4/20!

And Easter Sunday, too. And I got to meet some POWs. What a day! I'm so stoked. I've already eaten my weight in Peeps.

Gooks With Nukes

Used to be, the worst thing you had to worry about with Koreans was they'd steal your cat to make sandwiches. Now they threaten nuclear holocaust.

Can't they see I'm busy with Iraq and Syria and Cuba? And France? And Canada? And...oh, fuck. Everyone hates us. It's almost enough to drive a man to drink...

The EU

It's okay for them to become a superpower, as long as Tony is in charge. If Chirac wins, I'll get all pre-emptive on their asses.

Decisions, decisions...

There is a huge debate in my administration over whether to invade Syria next, or Cuba. Each side makes a persuasive case. The final call rests in my hands.

Aw, fuck it. Let's invade Canada.

Yee-Ha!

Looks like my posse caught themselves a varmint. Or whatever Maureen Dowd would have me say.

Heh-heh-heh!

Read it and weep, pinkos!

Syrian Weapons Of Mass Destruction!

We have intelligence that indicates Syria has chemical weapons. Of course, we had tons of intelligence that said Iraq has WMDs too, and that hasn't exactly panned out so far...

Maybe next I'll accuse the Easter Bunny of being insolent and invade Never-Never Land.

Awkward!

Looks like everyone's favorite morbidly obese communist will soon be heckling me at this year's White House Correspondents Dinner. How sickening will that be! Oh well; if I'm unable to finish my dinner, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone to clean my plate...

I just noticed something...

I've sent hundreds of thousands of Americans overseas to protect the Homeland from terrorism and weapons of mass destruction, and my own Energy Secretary, the guy in charge of the nation's nook-you-lurr stockpile, looks like Mohammed Atta's obese uncle.

You woulda thought someone might have said something to me...

I am an interrlectual

And I've got proof.

Question

If "spelunking" means exploring caves, then does "spell-linking" mean blogging from one?

Quote of the Day

From Victor Davis Hanson:

"[T]he shameless Dominique de Villepin hogged the world’s news before the war, did nothing during it, and now he’s back again — when he sniffs the danger is past and money is to be made, it is once more time for slick talk and the waving of arms. That American and British women fought live enemies courageously while some Frenchmen attacked the graves of dead friends seems to have escaped him."

Hmm...

Who do we side with in this one? NATO Turkey or anti-Saddam Kurds?

Aw, heck. Let's just attack both.

Iraq invades France and Germany!

Sorta.

Uh-oh...

But I thought Trent Lott was a Senator...

Who's Next?

You might be surprised...

I Won!

Next mission: Getting all these folks registered to vote in time for the next election.

The "White Lion"

It ain't Disneyland. Though probably less painful than a trip to Euro-Disney...

The "Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation"?

Maybe the BBC will hire Peter Arnett. I hear he's looking for work...

Chinese Food

I'll stick with Tex-Mex, but thanks anyway.

Not Again!

Well, it looks like we blew away an Al-Jazeera office. Again. That particular "smart" bomb must have had an extra chromosome. After all, as every rational person agrees, we would never deliberately target the Qatar-based television network.

We meant to hit the offices of Le Monde.

Ireland sucks!

Nothin' but a bunch of drunken, half-starved potato (potatoe?) farmers.

Hillsborough Castle is cool though. They've got all these serfs workin' there. At first I thought Tony called them "Smurfs", and I almost wet myself. But, no, they aren't little blue guys; they're more like slaves. So that's cool.

Oops...

So it wasn't sarin after all. It was Bug-Be-Gone.

Still. If I can't root out the global terrorist network, I'll just have to go after the global entomologist network.

Is it safe to flash the "V" sign yet?

• Saddam, you messed with a Bush. Now we've messed up one of yours.



• Well, it looks like we found a little nerve agent. Will the French join in the coalition in time to hinder our advance?



• People of Iraq! Our mission to liberate you is nearly complete! Now, meet your new dictator...



• Random thought: How about that Canadian health-care system! Lookin' good!

So, have I been re-elected yet?

How Democrats Mourn The Dead

Journalist Michael Kelly died while covering the War in Iraq. Some folks think that's just great. Not just the Iraqis, but apparently some of the "loyal opposition" as well.

I finally found my Dick!

He was right here all along!

I gotta admit, my Veep tends to ramble, and he seems a bit in-co-hair-ant. Must have taken one too many "heart pills" this mornin'...

Can you hear us?

Because we're coming, Saddam.

What a great loss...

I guess now I'll have to cancel my subscription to SLATE magazine.

Oh wait, no I won't. It's free. And worth every penny!

Not a very good picture...

Of Jenna, or me!

Russian Humor

Well, at least they're trying...

Oh No!

He lives. (And he writes better than me!)