FOUR MORE YEARS!

I'm telling Tom Ridge to go place the terror alert on orange. Fear works wonders!

The Debate

Okay, so I got the shit kicked out of me. So what?

At least I didn't stoop to cheating...

Dan Rather

Since he'll likely be looking for work in the very near future, I have just the job for him: Press Secretary during my second term!

Let's look at all the positives he would bring to the Bush Team:

- He's a blatant liar

- He has zero shame

- He has more hair than either Ari or Scott

(Rove tells me I beat Gore largely because his bald spot turned off undecided voters. That, and by my cheating in Florida.)

So, welcome to the team, Dan! Just remember, we have "documents" that prove Iraq had WMDs...

John F. Kerry Is French Toast

Some recent polls are showing me ahead of my nuanced opponent by double-digits.

That, to me, is not surprising.

What is surprising is a poll Rove showed me earlier today. Apparently, I'm even beating Kerry in France.

That's some fuckin' convention bounce!

Slimeball Politics

This race is getting uglier than John Kerry's wife, and dirtier than his daughter.

(And my campaign played no role whatsoever in the above sentence...)

Child Rape

I oppose it.

However, I don't believe my opponent has said much about it. Perhaps I've found a wedge-issue?

Sigh...

Instead of greeting national icons like Shaq and possible-mad-dog-rapist Kobe Bryant to the White House for a photo-op, I'm stuck with no-names like Ben Wallace and Richard Hamilton.

Oh, well. Maybe I can get an endorsement from that Prince guy. He looks sorta white...

Ronald Reagan

Look, I'm sorry the guy had to die. But, I mean, couldn't he have waited a few days? Now my D-Day 60th Anniversary Speech in France won't get the media attention it deserves...

Bikers For Bush!

I just picked up a key endorsement from the Rolling Thunder motorcycle club. It seems we share many of the same values: Violence, improper grammar, and meth.

In related campaign news, recent polls show me leading Kerry in capturing the crucial toothless vote. And skanks reportedly favor me over Kerry by a margin of three to one.

WMDs

We finally were able to plant, er, I mean, find some.

Take that, Hans Blix!

9/11 Jewelry

Here. Oh, and horse testicles!

Wanna bet this guy is a Kerry supporter?

Kerry's New Bumper Stickers

Here, here, and here.

Benedict Arnold Companies

We've finally found one. Thanks, Cap'n!

Osama Releases Another Tape...

I think he's losing it. Worst case of cave-fever I've ever seen.

Osama's Greatest Hits

He's got talent! Now if only he could be convinced to show up for an American Idol audition...

Prez's Press Pressure

This cartoon fairly accurately describes the kinds of hostile media a fella faces these days.

Have I stopped beating my wife? Yeah, the same day I quit drinkin'! Next question...

A Big Poll!

Looks like the Midwest is going to be as big a battleground as the Mideast this year. I'm just one point down in Michigan, according to a recent poll. Maybe I should wear a Red Wings shirt and a Pistons hat while campaigning in Detroit? As long as I don't mention the Tigers or Lions, I'll probably be okay.

This President

John F-ing Kerry has a habit of referring to me as "This President" and then following up with a baseless claim. Examples abound:

"This president has created an economy that feeds the special interests..." (says the Senate's number-one recipient of individual campaign contributions from lobbyists...)

"This president has in fact created terrorists where they didn't exist..." (Now I'm a fucking magician?)

"[T]his president has run the most arrogant, inept, reckless and ideological foreign policy in the modern history of our country..." (So, if I was less "inept" maybe North Korea and Syria would have been liberated as well as Iraq and Afghanistan?)

I am taking bets on future "This President" attacks against me by the Senator from Massachusetts. Here are a few possibilities:

"This President has been known to hate his mother, turn down apple pie, and only feign interest in the sport of baseball."

"This President is addicted to re-runs of the Smurfs, and does keg-stands during the commercials."

"This President gets sexually aroused whenever Arafat reaches for another baby-wipe."

"This President cut your taxes, defeated two evil regimes, and has not yet gotten blown by an intern. Uh, and he must be defeated in November!"

This President is about to dry heave.

Spending Your Money

I keep hearing people complain about how I'm spending like there's no tomorrow. Well, I've got news for you folks: With my foreign policy, there might not be a tomorrow!

QUEERS

Them folks don't act like normal folks. They like it in the rear. No way I'm gonna allow that to become the norm!

Now, can somebody please tell me why Jenna was dragged out of a black fraternity party with a severe case of rectal bleeding?

Where the %#$& is Rove???

My poll numbers are going down faster than Jenna after a bottle of tequila. Maybe I should announce my adminstration's opposition to the war in Iraq? Or maybe I should resign and run as a humble Southerner who opposes Cheney and the Washington insiders?

Damnit, I just don't know! And all Rove can think of is for me to embarrass myself on "Meet the Press" tomorrow.

Looks like I'll have to resort to running ads that make it look like Willie Horton is John Kerry's running mate...

WMD

Okay, so there weren't any. So what? The economy is improving, and Saddam is in a cell. Not a terror cell, but a prison cell.

By the way, John F. Kerry's mouth look like an anus on the NEWSWEEK cover. I just had to say that.

NH

I think Senator Lieberman is about to experience his own personal Holocaust. Heh.

Kerry

The man is wearing a wig. He has to be!

Iowa

Four losers tied for not-last. Whoever wins will eventually lose. (So Rove says...)

O'Neill

What an asshole. If this is how former Cabinet members will treat me, I can only shudder in expectation of Colin Powell's tell-all in 2005...

Mexicans

It was a difficult decision for Rove to make, but he decided we should let illegal Mexicans take American jobs. Well, they're already taking them, but now we wanna make it legal.

Sure, when they came to our country, their first act upon entering was to break federal law, but that's cool. I mean, I used to do an eight-ball a night, and that sure as shit ain't legal!

So, for the sake of my re-election, instead of punishing federal criminals, we'll give them American jobs, let them send the money back to Mexico (or as I say it, May-He-Coh), and further strain our social support system.

And if that doesn't get me re-elected, I'll just send someone back to the Moon! Let's hope he makes it in one piece...