The UN

I'll be goin' to the United Nations pretty soon to lay out my case for regime change in Iraq. But my speech will be merely for sound-bite material. The real action will be behind-the-scenes wheeling-and-dealing with France, China, and Russia.

For the French, in return for their vote authorizing an attack, I will offer a case of vintage "Wild Vines" wine, and a three-pound brick of cheddar. The Russians will get a five-billion dolar signing bonus, and a former SSR to be named later. With regards to China, I'm willing to abandon Taiwan, Tibet, and the Falun Gong to their monsterous clutches. Oh, and maybe a farm-quality cocker-spaniel or two, just to ice the deal.