Saturday, August 31, 2002

Bad News

Looks like my ideological sparring partner Colin Powell has higher approval ratings than I do!

It's just not fair. You give a brutha a job, and the next thing you know he wants to steal yours! Well, that uppitty spear-chucker can have it if he wants. He's just gotta beat me in the 2004 primaries. And that won't never happen!

Or, he could try to run as a Democrat. Hey, wait a minute...

Colin baby! I was just fooling with you, man! Gimme props, bro! You da man! Can I have a hug?

Friday, August 30, 2002

Vacashun's Almost Over

Darn it! Soon I'll have to go back to DC.

Damn you, four-year term! Why couldn't you be shorter!

Well, I guess it's possible I'll be impeached. But that just ain't my luck...

Thursday, August 29, 2002

The Media Are Dumm

Guys, the secret invasion of Iraq will happen in late October, not late November! Geez!

Wednesday, August 28, 2002


My Vice-President is not the most charismatic of men. I knew this back when I was told to, er, I mean, when I decided to select him as my running-mate. But, really, this picture does not do the man justice.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

My (Dad's) Secret Plan For Iraq

Here it is :

  • Beat the drums of War so that people take rigid positions on the issue

  • Have former Republican officials express concerns

  • This will lure Democrats into opposing the War

  • Launch the War just before the November elections

  • Win the War quickly and easily

  • The Dems look like assholes and lose the Senate and lose seats in the House

  • Watch my polls rise to the high 80s

  • Get right-wing judges confirmed by the newly GOP-controlled Senate

  • Restrict civil liberties with the consent of those new judges

  • Finally, get sites like this banned forever, and their designers sent to a slave-labor camp in ANWR

So, whatcha think?

Monday, August 26, 2002

That's Messed Up!

There ought to be limits to freedom...

Sunday, August 25, 2002

Not Good...

The news isn't so good here at the Western White House. The deficit is exploding. My own party is wussing out on the War. And police are having to use Bull Conner-esque tactics to quiet protests against my administration. And to think, I got out of DC to get away from this kinda crap!

Oh well. Maybe Yasser will kill a few Jews and we can go back to the good ol' days of bickering over the rightful owners of Judea and Samaria.

Saturday, August 24, 2002


It sure was surprising to see just how deeply involved in the democratic process those folks up in the Pacific North-West are! After the joyous reception they gave for me, I can hardly wait to clear-cut the national parks and turn Yucca Mountain into million-year dead-zone. Oh, yeah, and turn ANWR into an arctic version of the La Brea tar pits. And make the Spotted Owl into mulch for my ranch's landscaping. And...

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

Military Matters

Here's a partial transcript of this meeting :

Me - So, I mean, what's up?

Cheney - Well, Mister President, the options, vis-a-vis the Saddam problem, as they stand at the present time, with regards to the stated objective of regime chan-

Rice - C'mon, mothafucka! Spit it out, white boy!

Rummy - Hold on there, young missy. Heavens, that's no way for a lady to speak to the Vice-President of the United States, for gosh sakes!

Cheney - Thank you, Mister Secretary.

Rummy - I prefer to be called "Sun-Tsu", Dick.

Cheney - ...right...

Me - C'mon, fellers! What's the plan, man? Any ideas, Myers?

Myers - Well, my personal opinion is th-

Rice - Sho! You just let another crazy-ass honkey have his own personal soap-box! Jus' ignore the nigga bitch from Stanford! I'se jus' gonna sit my happy ass down at the back of this mofugging bus! IT BE RACISM!

Card - Condi, please...

Me - Gentlepersons! Let's show a little decoratium! We are discussing my plans for war, here! Now, does someone wanna tell me what my plans are???

Rummy - Nuke 'em all.

Cheney - Seconded.

Me - Done!

Monday, August 19, 2002


Man, what is it with these fucking Vietnam vets?

Sunday, August 18, 2002


But I thought you loved me, you heartless bastard!

Friday, August 16, 2002

Read This!

From the leftist Guardian :

""Israel would have to expect to be the first casualty, as in 1991 when Saddam sought to bring Israel into the Gulf conflict. This time, using weapons of mass destruction, he might succeed, provoking Israel to respond, perhaps with nuclear weapons, unleashing an Armageddon in the Middle East," Mr Scowcroft wrote in the Wall Street Journal.

"The Israeli government has vowed it would not stand by in the face of attacks as it did in 1991, when Iraqi Scud missiles landed on Israeli cities. It claims it has Washington's backing for retaliation.

"Mr Scowcroft is the elder statesman of the Republican foreign policy establishment, and his views are widely regarded as reflecting those of the first President Bush. The fierceness of his attack on current administration policy illustrates the gulf between the elder Bush and his son, who has surrounded himself with far more radical ideologues on domestic and foreign policy."

First of all, we don't have to worry about Israel using nukes on Iraq. I mean, it very well could happen, but that's not something I worry about. Hell, let the Jews do the job for us!

Second, daddy is fully supportive of my war plans, contrarious to the authoritarian of this article. Hell, I'm doing it for him! When Baghdad is turned into a barren sea of green glass, poppy's legacy will be complete!

And third, how the hell does this guy get off calling folks like Colin Powell and C. T. Whitman "radical ideologues on domestic and foreign policy"? I know the British are toothless, but are they mindless as well?

Oh, yeah and to all British subjects, or serfs, or whatever : Please continue to support us in this war on terrism! No one else will, so we'd kinda appreciate it...

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

If Rummy Dies...

...this guy gets his job.

Monday, August 12, 2002

Earth Abides

Looks like this West Nile thingy that everyone is talking about could very well lead to a new poll-boosting plan : the creation of the Department of Ensuring All The Health, or D.E.A.T.H. for short.

Rove doesn't like it, but screw him. Let's see his pasty fat ass run a mile in under seven minutes, and maybe I'll take his advice on this one!

Sunday, August 11, 2002

I'm Doomed!

The writing is on the wall, friends. Since the dread disease Oldstimers seems to affect all nationally popular conservatives (both of them!), it's only a matter of time before my mentallic powers degenerate to that of a three year old. Ari says not to worry, that "no one will notice", but that's of little comfort. I sure as hell would notice if I began soiling myself. You know, more often.

Friday, August 09, 2002

I have limited faith in Arafat...

...but he links to my site, so what the hell : Jihad!

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Don't Mess With Texas!

I made sweet love to the First Lady tonight. Well, I tried to, at least. Just couldn't keep that erection. She cried herself to sleep; I guess she thought I don't find her attractive anymore. But it's not that! In fact, I love the dimples in her ass. I just have incurred too much damage to my erectilian tissue to really perform like I used to. Like, with the drunken sorority tramps at Yale.

Damn you, Jack Daniels! Damn you to hell!

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

My friends, the Saudis

It seems some in my administration don't love our key oil-ally like I do. Some even hint at (gasp!) invading the peace-loving land best known for its seven thousand princes and hardcore camel-porn. (Oh yeah, and killing New Yorkers.) I mean, the very thought that I would even consider committing US troops to invade a helpless nation that had not attacked us is absurd.

Now, where the heck did Rummy put that aerial map of Baghdad...

Monday, August 05, 2002

Sweet Beloved Jesus!

My daddy looks like a mutant!

Are the X-Men now working for al-Qaeda?

Sunday, August 04, 2002

Boating Is Fun!

Especially when you have a designated driver.

Saturday, August 03, 2002


Let the R&R begin!

Have no fear : I'll be back on the job in time for the next terrorist attack!

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Limericks, Part Five

I deal with Yasser Arafat,
Who I call, when I feel nice, a rat.
He likes to kill Jews;
Hebrew lives we will lose,
Until we stomp him and his flat.

We've all heard of John Traficant,
Well known for the rave and the rant.
Now for eight long years,
He'll be ass-raped by queers;
On his cheeks will hands surely plant.
Limericks, Part Three

I know of a man named Saddam,
Who built himself an atom bomb.
In three weeks, I guess,
We lost dozens, or less,
And Baghdad blew up like a dot com.

There once was a man named Hussein,
Whose terrorist acts brought infame.
After we invaded,
The world was elated,
But for innocents dead we're to blame.
My Plans For Iraq

Contrarious to populous beliefs, I do have a plan on my desk for the invasion of Iraq and the removal of Saddam Hussein from power there. And I wrote it myself! Here it is :

  • Invade from Kuwait with 27 million Marines and some light cavalry

  • Bomb Bag-daddy with pork rinds and Manischewitz wine

  • Encourage Bat-Man and his loyal sidekick Robin to trap Saddam and his two sons in the fearsome "titanium bat-cage"

  • Watch my polls go back to the high 80s

  • Win back the Senate and keep control of the House

  • Celebrate by chugging a six-pack of Aquafina and licking the First Lady's taco.

  • I'm still waiting for Rumsfeld's go-ahead. But I think it's a winner!