Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Limerick Time!

I know of a man named Daschle,
Whose plan for the Senate can't fail :
On judges, don't confirm,
Call me ethically a worm,
And say the dog is controlled by the tail.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

No Fair!

Traficant gets to serve eight years; I'll only get four!

Monday, July 29, 2002


When Karl first told me about a major news story involving nine minors all being in the same deep, wet, filthy hole for over three days, I was terrified for Jenna's good name.

Luckily, it was just some trapped miners he was talking about. And thank God for that!

Sunday, July 28, 2002

Tony (Blair) The Tiger

He's a pussy alright.

He wants me to seek the UN's blessing before I invade Iraq. Not likely, old chap! If I cared what the "world community" thought, I'd be in support of the Key-Oh-Toe Treaty and the ICC, and would oppose the death penalty. I'd probably have a hankering for crumpets and brie, too. And maybe I'd shave my legs and watch "Oprah".

Geez, grow a pair of cojones, you fucking pansy!

Saturday, July 27, 2002

Reading Is Im-por-tant

My wife, Laura, is a former librarian, and is very concerned about illiteraciousness in America. To help combat this, she has started a Book Club in hopes of encouraging young people to read more better.

This month's pick : "His Iron Hands" by Wanda Dick. An excerpt :

"The large, hairy man held me down while he thrust his massive, throbbing, purple-headed warrior deep into my gushing flesh-hole. I screamed out in a mixture of pleasure and pain; he slapped me once to quiet me, then spit in my eyes. My mind went numb as orgasmic shockwaves ripped through my lower body. I could feel my own juices pooling on the cool basement floor I was lying on. When his twin brother arrived with a German Shepherd, I knew this was to be no ordinary Friday night."

Damn! This sure beats "Harry Potter"!

...for not posting lately. I have been on a bit of a pre-vacation vacation. You know, a fella can't go from working a grueling four hours a day straight to just laying around in his own filth for the entire month of August. It's something you gotta ease your way into.

Monday, July 22, 2002

Haiku, by George

My polls are slipping!
The economy is toast!
Better get Saddam...

Sunday, July 21, 2002


I caught Ashcroft using KaZaA to download "barely legal" smut at the DoJ HQ again. Says it's "research". Right. The man looked like he was smuggling a summer sausage in his pants.

At least this time, it's not "scat" he was drooling over...

Saturday, July 20, 2002

The Bear

I know for a fact that this economy is fun-da-men-tal-ly sound. Greenspan told me so. So why is the stock market going south faster than Monica Lewinsky on E?

Sure, there have been some business scandals lately. Some of the people involved were buddies of mine. And a few of them might have even donated a little soft money to my campaign. And then there were those two fellas who offered Jenna the starring role in a "donkey show" down in Tijuana, whatever the hell that is.

But this economy is in recovery, damnit! Just like my colon!
More Gore

I guess Albert's got himself one massive cock. That's okay; whenever I'm with Vice President Cheney, I can always tell people I've got a fat Dick.

But, seriously, I guess this is one explanation for last election's gender gap. Though it might have just confirmed the prevailing view that Al's a big dork.

As for me, though I'm nothing to write to Midland about, I can honestly say Laura has never had any complaints. Of course, I doubt Laura would have any complaints if I nailed her between the eyes with a ball-peen hammer either. She's pretty laid back.

Friday, July 19, 2002


It appears my arch-enemysis Al Gore has been polling well amongst his fellow leftists. That's good. I look forward to further humiliating the man in 2004. Maybe he'll actually slug me in one of the debates next time around, 'stead of jus' pretendin'. The Secret Service would then slap him around like an Al Sharpton effigy at a Klan rally. It'd make that little incident in California between the white cop and the young negro look like a friendly game of patty-cake.

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Gephardt predicts massive Dem gains in House

Not gonna happen, Dick.

But can you imagine if it did? That Howdy Doody clone would be more of an obstructorianist than Tom Daschle! Passing Social Security reform would be about as easy and pleasant as passing a golf ball-sized kidney stone. He'd probably go onto the House floor and compare my energy plan to Selma.

Oh wait, didn't he already do that?

I'm a strong supporter of Poland. They are a key trading partner in the areas of submarine-window manufacturing and tag-team lightbulb screwing.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002


This guy thinks he's me! He thinks I'm him!

Well, we aren't!

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

Now That's Better!

This poll says I have a 72% Approval Rating. Take that, Zog!

A Joke

Norman Mineta walks into a bar. He overhears two "Middle Eastern-looking young men" have an animated discussion.

Swarthy man Number One says, "I say we crash the plane into the Capitol building. We should kill all those infidel scum who so obviously are the lapdogs of the Zionists!"

Swarthy man Number Two says, "No! We must crash the plane into the White House and kill the infidel President who has declared war upon all Muslims and therefore must die!"

Norman walks up and breaks into their conversation. "Fellas, why don't you just hijack two planes and take out both buildings? I mean, it's not like you'll be profiled!"

Then they all share a laugh.

That's funny, right?

I'm Wrecked!

I am one trashed POTUS! I'm thinking someone slipped a little Jack Daniels into my nightly pitcher of Coors Cutter, though Laura seems to think it was the fourteen lines of coke I snorted off Condi's tits that really put me over the edge.

All I know is I'm more wired than the DNC, circa 1972. If another Saudi "prince" stops by for a "social call" tonight, I'm gonna rip his throat out and eat his legs. "Islam means peace", my ass! The only time I ever turn the other cheek is when Madeleine Albright is on the tube.

Zogby's Fuzzy Math

The pollster (who I like to call "Zog") reports that my Approval Rating has dropped to 62%.

But wait! 51% say they are better off financially than when BJ Clinton was in office, and 45% say their finances are better than a year ago. Add them up and that' 130% or so!

I mean, it's the economy, stupid, right? And I've got an MBA, for the love of Pete!
I Follow The Media

According to Drudge, Bill O'Reilly and FoxNews continue to kick CNN's ass all over the airwaves. It warms my heart to see that Red Chinese sleeper agent Connie Chung look more out of her element than Jenna in a dry county. A CNN source tells Drudge she's "reaching back to when she was a news anchor... getting her chops back up." Yeah, her chop sticks! Hu flung pu!

Over at MSNBC, the always hyperbolicular Chris Matthews asked a guest if I would continue to be influenced by "Cheney, Rumsfeld and the corporate pigs." One question, Chris : Will you continue to be influenced by the menu at Tony Roma's, you fat fuck? It's people like you who are the reason I have to run around in bike shorts and brag about my disystolicial blood pressure. Maybe if you burned your calories jogging on a treadmill instead of wildly gest-ic-u-lat-ing from behind a desk, you wouldn't look so much like the late Tip O'Neil.

Monday, July 15, 2002

Family Ties

Got a call from Daddy this morning. Told me I'm doin' a fine job.

"Just keep the pressure on Iraq, son", he says, "keep the war drums a-beatin', but don't invade until you're reeeeeeally close to November '04. If I learned one thing in office, it's ya gotta invade Iraq later, rather than sooner. Don't invade yet. Wouldn't be prudent."

This country sure is lucky to have fellas like Daddy and Karl running things through me!

Sunday, July 14, 2002


Darn it! I forgot to wipe again!

Clinton screwed his staff; I give them shit.

Saturday, July 13, 2002


I receive the praise and recognition (precognition?) I so richly deserve from the good people of New York.

Of course, if you really wanna show your support, you'll give me your 31 Electoral College votes in 2004. Then, I won't need any of my brother's "help" in Florida...

What's all this I keep hearing about an HIV-Positive Muppet? Why all the fuss? If Andrew Sullivan wants to do a regular gig on Sesame Street, I sure as hell won't stand in his way.

Or am I thinking of an HIV-Positive moppet? Oops! My mistake!

Friday, July 12, 2002


The press is reporting that I want to put a deceased Nazi propagandist in my Cabinet. Gimme a break! When I want to distribute agit-prop, I just call Ari!

I wonder if it was my recent mention of Himmler that gave the press this crazy idea. Or maybe my comment that "there ought to be limits to freedom." Or maybe when I said this job would be a lot easier if I was dictator...

Thursday, July 11, 2002

French Lessons

So I guess there is a French word for entrepreneur. Who knew?

But I know there's an American word for Vichy :

The Bush Juggernaut Rolls On!

Wesley Dabney is a good man. He's not 76% Job Approval Rating good, but he's better than, say, Himmler.

I just received an offer to speak at a NAMbLA event in San Francisco. They seem like pretty friendly folks, though I've got no idea what it is they're selling, so to speak. I'll give them a hesitant 'yes' until I get a chance to talk to Karl...
Presidential Poetry

While up in Kennebunkport recently, I engaged in the typical manly R&R activity : Fishing. However, I decided (at the urging of Karl) to get in touch with my feminale, femininin, fem-, womanly side. This will supposedly help me with the Soccer Broads, or whoever.

So, I'm thinking to myself, what is it that puss-, I mean, sensitive guys like to do? First thing that pops into my head : Write Poetry! But I can't just sit around, pen in hand, trying to write a bunch of flowery crap. Maybe Clinton was good with that stuff; from what I hear, he could have an elderly nun standing in a puddle of her own cooze-juice in under 60 seconds if he really applied himself. But I'm not some sexual deviant; I'm a Methodist, for fuck's sake!

So, I decided to write about what I know. And what better way to write about what you know than to write about what you know while you're doing what you know about!? Uh, so I wrote about fishing!

I started a little slow, but I really got on a roll and was able to finish three, count 'em, three, poetic masterpieces. Here they are :

#1 :

"The fish is fresh,
It's such a fresh, fresh fish!"

#2 :

"One fish, two fish,
Red fish, blue fish.
Oh, a new fish!
It's a Jew fish!"

#3 :

"Fishy, fishy, in the brook,
Dubya catch you on the hook,
Laura fry you in the pan,
Janet Reno is a man."

Beat that, Longfella!

Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Something to consider

Rove came to me this morning and said polling suggests that Jenna's image is being hurt not just by her actions, which are often immoral and illegal, but also because she shares her name with the world's most famous adult film actress. As Karl put it, "Frankly, Mr. President, 'Jenna Bush' sounds more like a porn star than 'Jenna Jameson'."

That Karl is one deep thinker! He said we should quickly move to rename her, and offered some suggestions :

  • Busch Bush
  • Bad, Bad Leroy Bush
  • The Presidential Daughter Formerly Known As 'Jenna' Bush
  • Barbara Bush (another one?)
  • The Cheap Date
  • Scuzbucket

Personally, I lean more towards keeping her current name. Just don't tell Karl. He angers easily...

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

Jesse Jackson

I keep hearing that he attacked me at the 93rd Convention of the NAACP. I've seen the tape, and I gotta say : I didn't understand a word. This guy is a shit-salesman with a mouthful of samples.

I'll have to have Condi or Colin translate for me.
Good News

My little blog has gotten mentioned on both onegoodmove and SNEAKEASY'S JOINT. Looks like this networking stuff really works! This is just like how I got the Texas Rangers!
I'm in the news again today!

Who woulda thought?

That was one heck of a speech my people wrote for me. Woo-hee! I especially love this quote :

"We will use the full weight of the law to expose and root out corruption."

Note the phrase "root out". That's exactly what my speeches say I'm gonna do with terrism too! I can't wait 'til the next time I get to use "root out" in an important speech! The thought of it makes me feel giddy, just like when I knock back a six-pack of O'Doul's!

Let us ponder the possibilities :

  • "We must work with the United Nations to root out poverty in Africa."
  • "I intend to root out the Democrat majority in the Senate come November."
  • "Cheney wears his pants so high, we have to get Andy Card to root out Dick's tighty-whities from his asshole."
  • "If it were legal, I would use the full power of our intelligence services to root out David Gregory's entended family and put them into the ovens."
  • "Read my lips : root out!

Now if I could only convince Laura to let me take the root out of root beer. Heh.

Monday, July 08, 2002

Bad Dream

Man, what a horrible nightmare I had last night! And, no, it wasn't the one where the Supreme Court grants Al Gore squatter's rights to live inside a tent in the Rose Garden. It wasn't even the one where The Globe publishes pictures of Jenna doing keg-stands with Ted Kennedy at Mardi Gras.

In this one, I was giving a speech on the War, a real good one too. People were clappin' and cheering'; it reminded me of back when I was a cheerleader at Yale! Anyway, I got cocky and started to wing it, you know, all ex-temp-or-a-ne-ous-ly. I said, "We will fight terror. We will bring terror to its knees. We will fight you and your minions wherever and whenever you rear your vile head, Joseph Stalin!" Silence. Then some wit shouts, "Joseph Stalin? Joseph-fucking-Stalin? What the hell kind of War President are you? You don't even know what decade you're in!" And the crowd turned on me. Damn poll ratings prolly all shot to hell, too, but I never find out 'cuz I woke up, screaming and sobbing like a mildly retarded toddler. Woke Laura up too; she was so startled, I think her permasmile went away for a few seconds.

I'm tellin' ya, I haven't had a vision that terrifying since I had the DTs.

Sunday, July 07, 2002

Does Brazil Have Negroes?

Apparently so. Good thing Condi was there. She knows all about her "peeps". Yo.

Saturday, July 06, 2002

Question for constituentians

I jus' overheard Jenna on the phone with one of her girlfriends. Something about getting her salad tossed. Huh? Does this have anything to do with Martha Stewart?

Welcome to BushBlog! This is the President speaking! Er, typing. Whatever.

I figger with the stupid campaign-finance bill I signed a while back, it'll be harder to raise the cap-it-al I'll need to get my message out. The press sure ain't reporting my side, 'specially that SOB David Gregory. Someone oughta take a rubber hose and...just kidding!

Anyway, since the good folks at Blogspot provide this service fer free, I figgered I'd take ad-van-tage of this useful tool. So enjoy! Unless you're David Gregory. If you're him, then hows about you go wrap your lips around Barney Frank's...oops! Laura just walked in! Gotta go! Adios!