Blogcritics

This is a superific site! It's almost enough to give me respect for free speech.

The Dems

Now that Al Gore has gracefully bowed out of the 2004 Presidential Race, my real challenger can throw his hat in the ring. Or throw something somewhere...

You gotta love them Democrats!

Strom

Interesting facts on the undead senator from South Carolina.

JBS

They think I'm a borderline socialist. Pat Buchanan and Trent Lott voters.

Lots More On Lott

The Nation goes berzerk with moral outrage. Cyber-bigot Hal Turner oozes a large wad directly into his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The National Review calls for Lott's head. And this guy just doesn't give a shit one way or the other.

Trent Lott

I don't believe he hates Negroes. But, after his little speech at Strom's 100th birthday gathering, Condi did mention to me that she'd never before "felt that dry down there".

I just wet myself...

This is the funniest shit since Beavis and Butthead!

Different Strokes...

There are good communists and there are bad communists. But there are no good coprophiliacs.

Laura taught me that.

Michael Moore

This fat fucker is on my X-mas list too. I'll get him a crate of Slim Fast and a stationary bike. Hopefully Santa will chip in some intellectual honesty and human decency.

Christmas List

The following is a small portion of this year's White House Holiday Shopping List :

• Tom Duh-shill - CD single of Green Day's "I Wanna Be A Minority"



• Jenna - One case of Dom, two cases of rubbers



• Michael Jackson - One army surplus gas mask



• Jim Thune - A Cabinet position to be named later

Can anyone think of anything I've left out? Please let me know...

My Love Life

If Laura ever tires of my mindless mumbling and uncontrollable drooling, I'll be crushed. But it looks like I've already got myself a prospect.

Osama

My towel-headed arch-enemy appears to still be among the living. And he's threatening new attacks!

Oh well. At least he had the decency to pretend to be dead until after the elections...

Dagos

I guess the pasta-eating winos aren't big fans of my administration's foreign policy. Or at least a certain element over there has reacted negatively :

"The anti-globalists were joined by many other groups, including union activists, pacifists, Catholics, former communists, ecologists, and Fiat car workers. Many young people were present."

Catholics? Fiat car workers?? Am I missing something here? That sounds a little something like :

"Former Vice-President Al Gore enjoys strong support from unions, pacifists, former communists, eco-terrorists, pillow-biters, current communists, the homeless, the comatose, and Wal-mart cashiers. Many illegal aliens and dead people also show support."

Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against peaceful protests. I just don't like Italians. Or young people.

The Presidential Seal Of Approval

Goes to this site.

It's Official!

I've finally got a mandate! Now I jus' have to ask Karl what the fuck that means...

Finally

The campaigning is over. The people will take it from here. (And we'll take it back from them if they choose wrong in Florida again...)

Minnesota Democrats

This is utterly surreal.

What's next? They gonna go to the tack-see-derm-ist and bring Wellstone's charred corpse on tour?

Clinton

The guy's even happier than me over the death of the Senate's leading Stalinist.

I guess he ain't all bad. But his wife's still a miserable cunt.

Brazil

Do they have Blacks? I dunno. But they sure as hell got some Marxists.

Paul Wellstone

Deader than Lenin. Or Lennon, for that matter.

Looks like the Dems are gonna replace him on the ballot with former Veep Walter Mondale.

Figures. First that zombie Lautenberg gets new life breathed into him, now this. I'm telling ya, if the Democrats are successful in November, C-SPAN II is gonna look like an endless loop of Night of the Living Dead.

Iraq

No blood for oil! Unless it's Iraqi blood...

My Bro!

Debates.

Montana

This is just sad. Democrats gay-bait a Montana Republican out of the Senate race! I guess we can rule out Barney Frank as the mastermind of this hit-ad...

Well, two ethically-challenged political parties can play at that game! I'll have m'boy Rove start a whispering campaign that South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson likes to play "hide the summer sausage" while camping with pre-teen boys in the Badlands.

The French Public

Hates Israel, even more than they dislike the US. Hey, Viva Las Frenchy to you, too!

Israel

Damn Jews.

First they tell the world they'll retaliate if Iraq attacks them in response to a US-UK invasion. Why can't they be peaceful little lambs like in 1991? Or in the early 40s?

Then they divert international attention away from me and onto Arafat. Why bother, unless you're going to kill the man?

I'm so pig-biting mad I'm considering putting Israel in my sights next. After all, they have WMD, and they disregard UN resolutions. We'll see if Joe Lieberman still supports my foreign policy when the "chosen people" are sent to Gitmo. Heh.

Saddam

Apparently the paranoid megalomaniac has gone to the trouble of using "doubles".

What a waste of time! I mean, everyone knows you camel-fuckers all look alike anyway.

I Love This Time Of Year!

The weather is getting cooler. The leaves will be changing color soon, and falling to the ground in waves. Yes, waves, just like waves of B-52s dropping bombs on madmen and their mercs.

Oh, and the quality of sport this time o' the year! The football teams are just getting into the swing of things, while the baseball players are tackling the pressure of pennant races. And it's third and long for a certain gentlemen in Iraq. Though not all of the bombers will be from the Bronx, I'm certainly hoping he'll be brushed back.

Yes, this time of year is a wonderous time. A brief respite before the rush of the holiday season. But if you hear anyone climbing down your chimney this season, you better grab your gun and shoot to kill.

Ah, and as the night air becomes chilly, and longtime lovers gaze into the clear sky to gawk in awe at the beauty of the stars that dazzle with such faraway brilliance in the heavens, I am calmed, and optimistic of things to come. I'll love to watch you die, Saddam. Pretty soon, you're fucked.

Arafat

He's down to one building. The IDF found massive stockpiles of baby-wipes in the destroyed buildings.

Who woulda thought? Yasser was stockpiling weapons of ass-disruption!

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Please remember to tip your waitress.

19

That's the number of pacifist Congressmen who have banded together to oppose any action against Iraq. 18 are Democrats. None are Republicans.

Can you say, "total GOP control of the federal government in 2003"?

Good. Because I'd probably fuck it up if I tried. End up saying something like "totalitarian Gee-Oh-Pee control of the federast governing in 1903". Damn you, alcohol-induced brain damage!

Germans

When they aren't busy stuffing ethnic and religious minorities into cattle-cars destined for the Camps, they're busy comparing me to crazy fuckers with really long nose hair.

But hey, that's cool. Like Wayne Newton said, "Dunk-A-Shane"...

The Media

They aren't all leftists. For instance, I have the Moonies in my pocket.

Irony

I go into the Lion's Den (the UN) to give a speech, and my poll numbers go up!

Hmm. Maybe I should have Rove schedule my next major addresses in Tehran and Berkeley...

I Am The Technology President!

Well, it took a few months and several billion taxpayer dollars, but we finally managed to get the "comments" section up and running. Now I can focus all my attention on the economy. Heh.

The Best Part About Being President

Is getting what you want, then asking for more.

A Good Case For Attack On Iraq

Now, I gotta admit, I never thought of half of this stuff. But it kinda, sorta makes sense. It sure beats Rummy's "Let's kick some sand!" argument...

The UN Speech

Man alive! That "international community" is one tough crowd! But at least I was able to get my major points across, so now they can be ridiculed by the rest of the world.

What a stresser though! I can't wait to take Nick Nolte's lead later today!

TO-NY! TO-NY!

That's my boy!

Women

I've got a real problem with women.

First of all, they tend to vote for Democrats. So, right off the bat they're in the same boat as illiterate immigrants, felons, hommasessuals, and negroes. Secondly, young women, especially those with the last name Bush, tend to be completely irresponsible and uncaring with regards to the hurt they inflict on their fathers. Political hurt. And that's the worst kind.

So far, I've been able to convince the folks at Girls Gone Wild to withhold the segments (13 of them!) featuring Jenna. But one day, they'll unleash media hell. And that'll be one shitty day for Ari, lemme tell ya.

The UN

I'll be goin' to the United Nations pretty soon to lay out my case for regime change in Iraq. But my speech will be merely for sound-bite material. The real action will be behind-the-scenes wheeling-and-dealing with France, China, and Russia.

For the French, in return for their vote authorizing an attack, I will offer a case of vintage "Wild Vines" wine, and a three-pound brick of cheddar. The Russians will get a five-billion dolar signing bonus, and a former SSR to be named later. With regards to China, I'm willing to abandon Taiwan, Tibet, and the Falun Gong to their monsterous clutches. Oh, and maybe a farm-quality cocker-spaniel or two, just to ice the deal.

I Have One Thing To Say...

...about Jimmy Carter : Grow some pea-nuts!

The French

These crazed leftists want a global tax! Hey, man, go for it. I'll just campaign for the office of Supreme Ruler of Gaia on a platform of "global tax relief" and "compassionitivity". And I'll prolly win, too!

By the way, here's the last sentence in the item :

"The sources close to Chirac, who was due to speak in Johannesburg around midday local time (11 a.m. British time) on Monday, pointed to studies suggesting global development aid would have to be doubled to around $100 billion (64 billion pounds) to really fight poverty."

Hmm. So the suspiciously-round number "$100 billion" will "really" fight poverty. So I suppose $200 billion will "really, really" fight poverty?

But I guess at the present time, the annual $50 billion hand-out-to-savage-autocrats only "kinda sorta" fights poverty. Pffft.

Search Engine Fun!

I put in an AOL search for "daddy makes me shave my pussy", and this site pops up as number 40!

Also, a Google search (in Arabic, no less!) for "G.W.BUSH FUCKING PICTURES" will display this site as link number three, as does a Google search (in French!) for "kill george w. bush".

Finally, in a related search on Yahoo!, looking up "george bush kill" will make my humble Web diary come up at a mighty number two, with a bullet.

Has anyone else found any funny BushBlog-related search engine results? Please e-mail them to : blankman55555@yahoo.com

November

I always hated mid-term exams, 'cuz I had to cheat off the people around me to pass. Hopefully mid-term elections won't prove as difficult. It's a lot easier to steal a few answers than make thousands of votes disappear. Trust me, I know!

Yes!

Iain Duncan Smith supports the War! That's terrific news!

Now I just have to figger out who the hell he is...

Bad News

Looks like my ideological sparring partner Colin Powell has higher approval ratings than I do!

It's just not fair. You give a brutha a job, and the next thing you know he wants to steal yours! Well, that uppitty spear-chucker can have it if he wants. He's just gotta beat me in the 2004 primaries. And that won't never happen!

Or, he could try to run as a Democrat. Hey, wait a minute...

Colin baby! I was just fooling with you, man! Gimme props, bro! You da man! Can I have a hug?

Vacashun's Almost Over

Darn it! Soon I'll have to go back to DC.

Damn you, four-year term! Why couldn't you be shorter!

Well, I guess it's possible I'll be impeached. But that just ain't my luck...

The Media Are Dumm

Guys, the secret invasion of Iraq will happen in late October, not late November! Geez!

Cheney

My Vice-President is not the most charismatic of men. I knew this back when I was told to, er, I mean, when I decided to select him as my running-mate. But, really, this picture does not do the man justice.

My (Dad's) Secret Plan For Iraq

Here it is :

• Beat the drums of War so that people take rigid positions on the issue


• Have former Republican officials express concerns


• This will lure Democrats into opposing the War


• Launch the War just before the November elections


• Win the War quickly and easily


• The Dems look like assholes and lose the Senate and lose seats in the House


• Watch my polls rise to the high 80s


• Get right-wing judges confirmed by the newly GOP-controlled Senate


• Restrict civil liberties with the consent of those new judges


• Finally, get sites like this banned forever, and their designers sent to a slave-labor camp in ANWR

So, whatcha think?

That's Messed Up!

There ought to be limits to freedom...

Not Good...

The news isn't so good here at the Western White House. The deficit is exploding. My own party is wussing out on the War. And police are having to use Bull Conner-esque tactics to quiet protests against my administration. And to think, I got out of DC to get away from this kinda crap!

Oh well. Maybe Yasser will kill a few Jews and we can go back to the good ol' days of bickering over the rightful owners of Judea and Samaria.

Oregon

It sure was surprising to see just how deeply involved in the democratic process those folks up in the Pacific North-West are! After the joyous reception they gave for me, I can hardly wait to clear-cut the national parks and turn Yucca Mountain into million-year dead-zone. Oh, yeah, and turn ANWR into an arctic version of the La Brea tar pits. And make the Spotted Owl into mulch for my ranch's landscaping. And...

Military Matters

Here's a partial transcript of this meeting :

Me - So, I mean, what's up?

Cheney - Well, Mister President, the options, vis-a-vis the Saddam problem, as they stand at the present time, with regards to the stated objective of regime chan-

Rice - C'mon, mothafucka! Spit it out, white boy!

Rummy - Hold on there, young missy. Heavens, that's no way for a lady to speak to the Vice-President of the United States, for gosh sakes!

Cheney - Thank you, Mister Secretary.

Rummy - I prefer to be called "Sun-Tsu", Dick.

Cheney - ...right...

Me - C'mon, fellers! What's the plan, man? Any ideas, Myers?

Myers - Well, my personal opinion is th-

Rice - Sho! You just let another crazy-ass honkey have his own personal soap-box! Jus' ignore the nigga bitch from Stanford! I'se jus' gonna sit my happy ass down at the back of this mofugging bus! IT BE RACISM!

Card - Condi, please...

Me - Gentlepersons! Let's show a little decoratium! We are discussing my plans for war, here! Now, does someone wanna tell me what my plans are???

Rummy - Nuke 'em all.

Cheney - Seconded.

Me - Done!

Up-Chuck

Man, what is it with these fucking Vietnam vets?

Pooty-Poot!

But I thought you loved me, you heartless bastard!

Read This!

From the leftist Guardian :

""Israel would have to expect to be the first casualty, as in 1991 when Saddam sought to bring Israel into the Gulf conflict. This time, using weapons of mass destruction, he might succeed, provoking Israel to respond, perhaps with nuclear weapons, unleashing an Armageddon in the Middle East," Mr Scowcroft wrote in the Wall Street Journal.

"The Israeli government has vowed it would not stand by in the face of attacks as it did in 1991, when Iraqi Scud missiles landed on Israeli cities. It claims it has Washington's backing for retaliation.

"Mr Scowcroft is the elder statesman of the Republican foreign policy establishment, and his views are widely regarded as reflecting those of the first President Bush. The fierceness of his attack on current administration policy illustrates the gulf between the elder Bush and his son, who has surrounded himself with far more radical ideologues on domestic and foreign policy."

First of all, we don't have to worry about Israel using nukes on Iraq. I mean, it very well could happen, but that's not something I worry about. Hell, let the Jews do the job for us!

Second, daddy is fully supportive of my war plans, contrarious to the authoritarian of this article. Hell, I'm doing it for him! When Baghdad is turned into a barren sea of green glass, poppy's legacy will be complete!

And third, how the hell does this guy get off calling folks like Colin Powell and C. T. Whitman "radical ideologues on domestic and foreign policy"? I know the British are toothless, but are they mindless as well?

Oh, yeah and to all British subjects, or serfs, or whatever : Please continue to support us in this war on terrism! No one else will, so we'd kinda appreciate it...

If Rummy Dies...

...this guy gets his job.

Earth Abides

Looks like this West Nile thingy that everyone is talking about could very well lead to a new poll-boosting plan : the creation of the Department of Ensuring All The Health, or D.E.A.T.H. for short.

Rove doesn't like it, but screw him. Let's see his pasty fat ass run a mile in under seven minutes, and maybe I'll take his advice on this one!

I'm Doomed!

The writing is on the wall, friends. Since the dread disease Oldstimers seems to affect all nationally popular conservatives (both of them!), it's only a matter of time before my mentallic powers degenerate to that of a three year old. Ari says not to worry, that "no one will notice", but that's of little comfort. I sure as hell would notice if I began soiling myself. You know, more often.

I have limited faith in Arafat...

...but he links to my site, so what the hell : Jihad!

Don't Mess With Texas!

I made sweet love to the First Lady tonight. Well, I tried to, at least. Just couldn't keep that erection. She cried herself to sleep; I guess she thought I don't find her attractive anymore. But it's not that! In fact, I love the dimples in her ass. I just have incurred too much damage to my erectilian tissue to really perform like I used to. Like, with the drunken sorority tramps at Yale.

Damn you, Jack Daniels! Damn you to hell!

My friends, the Saudis

It seems some in my administration don't love our key oil-ally like I do. Some even hint at (gasp!) invading the peace-loving land best known for its seven thousand princes and hardcore camel-porn. (Oh yeah, and killing New Yorkers.) I mean, the very thought that I would even consider committing US troops to invade a helpless nation that had not attacked us is absurd.

Now, where the heck did Rummy put that aerial map of Baghdad...

Sweet Beloved Jesus!

My daddy looks like a mutant!

Are the X-Men now working for al-Qaeda?

Boating Is Fun!

Especially when you have a designated driver.

Ahhh...

Let the R&R begin!

Have no fear : I'll be back on the job in time for the next terrorist attack!

Limericks, Part Five

I deal with Yasser Arafat,
Who I call, when I feel nice, a rat.
He likes to kill Jews;
Hebrew lives we will lose,
Until we stomp him and his flat.

LIMERICKS, PART FOUR

We've all heard of John Traficant,
Well known for the rave and the rant.
Now for eight long years,
He'll be ass-raped by queers;
On his cheeks will hands surely plant.

Limericks, Part Three

I know of a man named Saddam,
Who built himself an atom bomb.
In three weeks, I guess,
We lost dozens, or less,
And Baghdad blew up like a dot com.

MORE LIMERICKS

There once was a man named Hussein,
Whose terrorist acts brought infame.
After we invaded,
The world was elated,
But for innocents dead we're to blame.

My Plans For Iraq

Contrarious to populous beliefs, I do have a plan on my desk for the invasion of Iraq and the removal of Saddam Hussein from power there. And I wrote it myself! Here it is :

• Invade from Kuwait with 27 million Marines and some light cavalry


• Bomb Bag-daddy with pork rinds and Manischewitz wine


• Encourage Bat-Man and his loyal sidekick Robin to trap Saddam and his two sons in the fearsome "titanium bat-cage"


• Watch my polls go back to the high 80s


• Win back the Senate and keep control of the House


• Celebrate by chugging a six-pack of Aquafina and licking the First Lady's taco.


I'm still waiting for Rumsfeld's go-ahead. But I think it's a winner!

Limerick Time!

I know of a man named Daschle,
Whose plan for the Senate can't fail :
On judges, don't confirm,
Call me ethically a worm,
And say the dog is controlled by the tail.

No Fair!

Traficant gets to serve eight years; I'll only get four!

Whew!

When Karl first told me about a major news story involving nine minors all being in the same deep, wet, filthy hole for over three days, I was terrified for Jenna's good name.

Luckily, it was just some trapped miners he was talking about. And thank God for that!

Tony (Blair) The Tiger

He's a pussy alright.

He wants me to seek the UN's blessing before I invade Iraq. Not likely, old chap! If I cared what the "world community" thought, I'd be in support of the Key-Oh-Toe Treaty and the ICC, and would oppose the death penalty. I'd probably have a hankering for crumpets and brie, too. And maybe I'd shave my legs and watch "Oprah".

Geez, grow a pair of cojones, you fucking pansy!

Reading Is Im-por-tant

My wife, Laura, is a former librarian, and is very concerned about illiteraciousness in America. To help combat this, she has started a Book Club in hopes of encouraging young people to read more better.

This month's pick : "His Iron Hands" by Wanda Dick. An excerpt :

"The large, hairy man held me down while he thrust his massive, throbbing, purple-headed warrior deep into my gushing flesh-hole. I screamed out in a mixture of pleasure and pain; he slapped me once to quiet me, then spit in my eyes. My mind went numb as orgasmic shockwaves ripped through my lower body. I could feel my own juices pooling on the cool basement floor I was lying on. When his twin brother arrived with a German Shepherd, I knew this was to be no ordinary Friday night."

Damn! This sure beats "Harry Potter"!

Sorry...

...for not posting lately. I have been on a bit of a pre-vacation vacation. You know, a fella can't go from working a grueling four hours a day straight to just laying around in his own filth for the entire month of August. It's something you gotta ease your way into.

Haiku, by George

My polls are slipping!
The economy is toast!
Better get Saddam...

Sigh...

I caught Ashcroft using KaZaA to download "barely legal" smut at the DoJ HQ again. Says it's "research". Right. The man looked like he was smuggling a summer sausage in his pants.

At least this time, it's not "scat" he was drooling over...

The Bear

I know for a fact that this economy is fun-da-men-tal-ly sound. Greenspan told me so. So why is the stock market going south faster than Monica Lewinsky on E?

Sure, there have been some business scandals lately. Some of the people involved were buddies of mine. And a few of them might have even donated a little soft money to my campaign. And then there were those two fellas who offered Jenna the starring role in a "donkey show" down in Tijuana, whatever the hell that is.

But this economy is in recovery, damnit! Just like my colon!

More Gore

I guess Albert's got himself one massive cock. That's okay; whenever I'm with Vice President Cheney, I can always tell people I've got a fat Dick.

But, seriously, I guess this is one explanation for last election's gender gap. Though it might have just confirmed the prevailing view that Al's a big dork.

As for me, though I'm nothing to write to Midland about, I can honestly say Laura has never had any complaints. Of course, I doubt Laura would have any complaints if I nailed her between the eyes with a ball-peen hammer either. She's pretty laid back.

Gore

It appears my arch-enemysis Al Gore has been polling well amongst his fellow leftists. That's good. I look forward to further humiliating the man in 2004. Maybe he'll actually slug me in one of the debates next time around, 'stead of jus' pretendin'. The Secret Service would then slap him around like an Al Sharpton effigy at a Klan rally. It'd make that little incident in California between the white cop and the young negro look like a friendly game of patty-cake.

Gephardt predicts massive Dem gains in House

Not gonna happen, Dick.

But can you imagine if it did? That Howdy Doody clone would be more of an obstructorianist than Tom Daschle! Passing Social Security reform would be about as easy and pleasant as passing a golf ball-sized kidney stone. He'd probably go onto the House floor and compare my energy plan to Selma.

Oh wait, didn't he already do that?

Poland

I'm a strong supporter of Poland. They are a key trading partner in the areas of submarine-window manufacturing and tag-team lightbulb screwing.

Imposterous!

This guy thinks he's me! He thinks I'm him!

Well, we aren't!

Now That's Better!

This poll says I have a 72% Approval Rating. Take that, Zog!

A Joke

Norman Mineta walks into a bar. He overhears two "Middle Eastern-looking young men" have an animated discussion.

Swarthy man Number One says, "I say we crash the plane into the Capitol building. We should kill all those infidel scum who so obviously are the lapdogs of the Zionists!"

Swarthy man Number Two says, "No! We must crash the plane into the White House and kill the infidel President who has declared war upon all Muslims and therefore must die!"

Norman walks up and breaks into their conversation. "Fellas, why don't you just hijack two planes and take out both buildings? I mean, it's not like you'll be profiled!"

Then they all share a laugh.

That's funny, right?

I'm Wrecked!

I am one trashed POTUS! I'm thinking someone slipped a little Jack Daniels into my nightly pitcher of Coors Cutter, though Laura seems to think it was the fourteen lines of coke I snorted off Condi's tits that really put me over the edge.

All I know is I'm more wired than the DNC, circa 1972. If another Saudi "prince" stops by for a "social call" tonight, I'm gonna rip his throat out and eat his legs. "Islam means peace", my ass! The only time I ever turn the other cheek is when Madeleine Albright is on the tube.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Zogby's Fuzzy Math

The pollster (who I like to call "Zog") reports that my Approval Rating has dropped to 62%.

But wait! 51% say they are better off financially than when BJ Clinton was in office, and 45% say their finances are better than a year ago. Add them up and that's...like 130% or so!

I mean, it's the economy, stupid, right? And I've got an MBA, for the love of Pete!

I Follow The Media

According to Drudge, Bill O'Reilly and FoxNews continue to kick CNN's ass all over the airwaves. It warms my heart to see that Red Chinese sleeper agent Connie Chung look more out of her element than Jenna in a dry county. A CNN source tells Drudge she's "reaching back to when she was a news anchor... getting her chops back up." Yeah, her chop sticks! Hu flung pu!

Over at MSNBC, the always hyperbolicular Chris Matthews asked a guest if I would continue to be influenced by "Cheney, Rumsfeld and the corporate pigs." One question, Chris : Will you continue to be influenced by the menu at Tony Roma's, you fat fuck? It's people like you who are the reason I have to run around in bike shorts and brag about my disystolicial blood pressure. Maybe if you burned your calories jogging on a treadmill instead of wildly gest-ic-u-lat-ing from behind a desk, you wouldn't look so much like the late Tip O'Neil.

Family Ties

Got a call from Daddy this morning. Told me I'm doin' a fine job.

"Just keep the pressure on Iraq, son", he says, "keep the war drums a-beatin', but don't invade until you're reeeeeeally close to November '04. If I learned one thing in office, it's ya gotta invade Iraq later, rather than sooner. Don't invade yet. Wouldn't be prudent."

This country sure is lucky to have fellas like Daddy and Karl running things through me!

Oops...

Darn it! I forgot to wipe again!

Clinton screwed his staff; I give them shit.

Finally!

I receive the praise and recognition (precognition?) I so richly deserve from the good people of New York.

Of course, if you really wanna show your support, you'll give me your 31 Electoral College votes in 2004. Then, I won't need any of my brother's "help" in Florida...

Snuffalluffallgustopodist!

What's all this I keep hearing about an HIV-Positive Muppet? Why all the fuss? If Andrew Sullivan wants to do a regular gig on Sesame Street, I sure as hell won't stand in his way.

Or am I thinking of an HIV-Positive moppet? Oops! My mistake!

Geez

The press is reporting that I want to put a deceased Nazi propagandist in my Cabinet. Gimme a break! When I want to distribute agit-prop, I just call Ari!

I wonder if it was my recent mention of Himmler that gave the press this crazy idea. Or maybe my comment that "there ought to be limits to freedom." Or maybe when I said this job would be a lot easier if I was dictator...

French Lessons

So I guess there is a French word for entrepreneur. Who knew?

But I know there's an American word for Vichy :

Surrender.

The Bush Juggernaut Rolls On!

Wesley Dabney is a good man. He's not 76% Job Approval Rating good, but he's better than, say, Himmler.

Hmm

I just received an offer to speak at a NAMbLA event in San Francisco. They seem like pretty friendly folks, though I've got no idea what it is they're selling, so to speak. I'll give them a hesitant 'yes' until I get a chance to talk to Karl...

Presidential Poetry

While up in Kennebunkport recently, I engaged in the typical manly R&R activity : Fishing. However, I decided (at the urging of Karl) to get in touch with my feminale, femininin, fem-, womanly side. This will supposedly help me with the Soccer Broads, or whoever.

So, I'm thinking to myself, what is it that puss-, I mean, sensitive guys like to do? First thing that pops into my head : Write Poetry! But I can't just sit around, pen in hand, trying to write a bunch of flowery crap. Maybe Clinton was good with that stuff; from what I hear, he could have an elderly nun standing in a puddle of her own cooze-juice in under 60 seconds if he really applied himself. But I'm not some sexual deviant; I'm a Methodist, for fuck's sake!

So, I decided to write about what I know. And what better way to write about what you know than to write about what you know while you're doing what you know about!? Uh, so I wrote about fishing!

I started a little slow, but I really got on a roll and was able to finish three, count 'em, three, poetic masterpieces. Here they are :

#1 :

"The fish is fresh,
It's such a fresh, fresh fish!"

#2 :

"One fish, two fish,
Red fish, blue fish.
Oh, a new fish!
It's a Jew fish!"

#3 :

"Fishy, fishy, in the brook,
Dubya catch you on the hook,
Laura fry you in the pan,
Janet Reno is a man."

Beat that, Longfella!

Something to consider

Rove came to me this morning and said polling suggests that Jenna's image is being hurt not just by her actions, which are often immoral and illegal, but also because she shares her name with the world's most famous adult film actress. As Karl put it, "Frankly, Mr. President, 'Jenna Bush' sounds more like a porn star than 'Jenna Jameson'."

That Karl is one deep thinker! He said we should quickly move to rename her, and offered some suggestions :

• Busch Bush
  
• Bad, Bad Leroy Bush
  
• The Presidential Daughter Formerly Known As 'Jenna' Bush
  
• Barbara Bush (another one?)
  
• The Cheap Date
  
• Scuzbucket
  

Personally, I lean more towards keeping her current name. Just don't tell Karl. He angers easily...

Jesse Jackson

I keep hearing that he attacked me at the 93rd Convention of the NAACP. I've seen the tape, and I gotta say : I didn't understand a word. This guy is a shit-salesman with a mouthful of samples.

I'll have to have Condi or Colin translate for me.

Good News

My little blog has gotten mentioned on both onegoodmove and SNEAKEASY'S JOINT. Looks like this networking stuff really works! This is just like how I got the Texas Rangers!

I'm in the news again today!

Who woulda thought?

That was one heck of a speech my people wrote for me. Woo-hee! I especially love this quote :

"We will use the full weight of the law to expose and root out corruption."

Note the phrase "root out". That's exactly what my speeches say I'm gonna do with terrism too! I can't wait 'til the next time I get to use "root out" in an important speech! The thought of it makes me feel giddy, just like when I knock back a six-pack of O'Doul's!

Let us ponder the possibilities :

• "We must work with the United Nations to root out poverty in Africa."
  
• "I intend to root out the Democrat majority in the Senate come November."
  
• "Cheney wears his pants so high, we have to get Andy Card to root out Dick's tighty-whities from his asshole."
  
• "If it were legal, I would use the full power of our intelligence services to root out David Gregory's entended family and put them into the ovens."
  
• "Read my lips : root out!
  

Now if I could only convince Laura to let me take the root out of root beer. Heh.

Bad Dream

Man, what a horrible nightmare I had last night! And, no, it wasn't the one where the Supreme Court grants Al Gore squatter's rights to live inside a tent in the Rose Garden. It wasn't even the one where The Globe publishes pictures of Jenna doing keg-stands with Ted Kennedy at Mardi Gras.

In this one, I was giving a speech on the War, a real good one too. People were clappin' and cheering'; it reminded me of back when I was a cheerleader at Yale! Anyway, I got cocky and started to wing it, you know, all ex-temp-or-a-ne-ous-ly. I said, "We will fight terror. We will bring terror to its knees. We will fight you and your minions wherever and whenever you rear your vile head, Joseph Stalin!" Silence. Then some wit shouts, "Joseph Stalin? Joseph-fucking-Stalin? What the hell kind of War President are you? You don't even know what decade you're in!" And the crowd turned on me. Damn poll ratings prolly all shot to hell, too, but I never find out 'cuz I woke up, screaming and sobbing like a mildly retarded toddler. Woke Laura up too; she was so startled, I think her permasmile went away for a few seconds.

I'm tellin' ya, I haven't had a vision that terrifying since I had the DTs.

Does Brazil Have Negroes?

Apparently so. Good thing Condi was there. She knows all about her "peeps". Yo.

Question for constituentians

I jus' overheard Jenna on the phone with one of her girlfriends. Something about getting her salad tossed. Huh? Does this have anything to do with Martha Stewart?

Strategery

Welcome to BushBlog! This is the President speaking! Er, typing. Whatever.

I figger with the stupid campaign-finance bill I signed a while back, it'll be harder to raise the cap-it-al I'll need to get my message out. The press sure ain't reporting my side, 'specially that SOB David Gregory. Someone oughta take a rubber hose and...just kidding!

Anyway, since the good folks at Blogspot provide this service fer free, I figgered I'd take ad-van-tage of this useful tool. So enjoy! Unless you're David Gregory. If you're him, then hows about you go wrap your lips around Barney Frank's...oops! Laura just walked in! Gotta go! Adios!